Super Bowl prediction time

Marv Blackstone: I just am not going to allow myself to choose Eli Manning as a Super Bowl-winning quarterback. Look at him. I plan to sit back and watch Eli line up behind right guard Chris Snee no fewer than six times, fumble at least two snaps, throw at least two picks and get a wedgie from Osi Umenyiora on the sideline. And I will laugh and coat my chest hair with Gold Bond and picante salsa. Patriots 34, Giants 10


Curtis Woodsworth: I am really hoping that the Giants don't wear those awful red jerseys during the game. They just end up looking like cherry tomatoes, and what football player wants to look like sweet little balls that you pop into your mouth? Plus, those jerseys color-clash with Tom Coughlin's face. Get you some moisturizer, boy! Patriots 30, Giants 0


Vern Beedle: You're asking me for my prediction, man? My prediction is that a government plot to expose the link between Barack Obama and Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride will come to light. You're going to learn all about how Obama is in cahoots with Dennis Rodman and Tori Spelling to inflate oil prices to more than $40,000 a barrel. And it's all coming out after a post pattern to Amani Toomer. That's my prediction, man. Also, Giants 24, Patriots 23

Dr. Charles P. Ipswisch Ah, the American football Super Bowl! It's one of my favorite sporting traditions, ranking right up there with the Egyptian Croquet Federation Championships and the ICC Cricket World Cup. I will eagerly be watching to see if Tom Brady's superior diction and reasoning ability, along with his muscular right arm, will be able to carry his Patriotic men to a victory over the Giants from New Jersey. Deductively, I think that they will be able to triumph, asserting their dominance, much like the late-1970s West Indies cricket squad. Oh, what a chess match this one shall be! Patriots 108, Giants 2

Harvey McGuffin: I remember when you had to earn perfection. The 1972 Dolphins created their empire on grit, determination and heart. There were no pretty faces getting hounded by TMZ, no cornrows and certainly no white wide receivers. They were football players, damn it. Hell, I remember when the key to getting to the Super Bowl was a black head coach and black receivers, all of them gritty. These teams are as bland as cornflakes served in malt-o-meal. If Brian Billick had just saved his timeout, what storylines would we have to pursue? We haven't had a legend play in a Super Bowl since Otis Anderson. God damn it I'm angry and it's almost bedtime. Giants 24, Patriots 21.

Bandwagon Burt:THE PATRIOTS ARE GOING TO BE UNDEFEATED. Dude, did you see that Hitler video online where he's all mad about Dallas losing? THAT WAS HILARIOUS, and then he's like "Well at least I can watch the Patriots go undefeated, at least that's something." EVEN HITLER KNOWS that a dynasty is brewing. I have loved the Patriots since I was a little boy, but this is the crown jewel of my sporting world. Super Bowls are nothing if you don't go undefeated! The Giants won't possibly stand in their way, but I like little Eli and love how they've built all this momentum in road games. That defensive line is incredible, and they played New England SO TOUGH at the end of the season. After that last sentence, I think the Giants have a real chance!!! Prediction: Patriots 68, Giants 67 (9 OT).

Dakota Brezinksi: I don't want to go to bed before the end of the Super Bowl! You promised, daddy, that I could watch. I never get to watch! It's not fair. Every year I only get to see the first half, and I miss all the really good stuff after you make me go to bed. I'm sorry I called Caitlin a bad name when she said, "Who cares if they go undefeated, it's just a game." I'm sorry that I kicked her in the knee and threw her dolly into the pond. I was trying to look like Tom Brady! Tom Brady is my hero! I want to see him win the Super Bowl! THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR! I hate you. I hate you and mommy. Patriots 35, Giants 14.

Brenda McDonald: So my older brother is throwing this, like, Super Bowl party, and I'm totally debating whether to go or hang out at Kimmy Dykstra's house. Like, there's going to be beer and stuff, but last time I hung out with my brother's friends, I totally got hit on by his smelly college roommate. I made out with him, of course, but it was kind of awkward and ... I don't know, like, smelly. I don't understand why people love the Super Bowl so much ... I mean, they have one every year. Plus everyone thinks Tom Brady is so hot, but oh my god, have you SEEN Wes Welker's eyes? Patriots 10, Giants 3.

It's all going to go down

By Vern Beedle
Veteran

I've seen some things, man. I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy. Listen to me here.

The NFL, they didn't want the Cleveland Browns to make the playoffs this year. They didn't want them in. You might ask why they didn't want them in, and I'll tell you why, man.

I'm sure you all saw the Colts lose against the Titans on Sunday, which let Tennessee into the playoffs and kept the Browns out. If you want proof of a conspiracy, just look at how Reggie Wayne had 12 catches in the first half. Then Roger Goodell called Tony Dungy on the sideline and told him to take Wayne out of the game. And then Peyton Manning came out and Jim Sorgi came in.

Jim Sorgi wore a headset that had a direct line to Roger Goodell's office, man. And all the time he was playing, Goodell was telling him to throw interceptions and stuff, man. I could hear that frequency on my own shortwave radio and that's what he was saying.

The reason the NFL didn't want the Browns in the playoffs? It all has to do with that tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo. Roger Goodell knows (like I do) that Romeo Crennel's uncle is a tiger-keeper at a small zoo somewhere in the west-central United States, and he thinks that information could have come to light if the Browns were in the playoffs. And with all of the current negative publicity surrounding tigers, Goodell didn't want a shitstorm on his hands. He learned from the Michael Vick scandal and wants to avoid any other animal-related publicity nightmares.

So he put in his word to have Tony Dungy intentionally lose to the Titans. Dungy said he didn't want to do it because he believes that you play the games to win, but Goodell told him that he would reveal the information he knows about how Dungy is a prominent investor in Proctor & Gamble, and how the government knows that P & G's Gillette played a major role in the Benazir Bhutto assassination last week. And Dungy caved, because he didn't want his name connected to that event. He said he would lose on purpose. He played Jim Sorgi.

You see, Sorgi is a former government agent who investigates corporate tie-ins to major political assassinations. It's an unheralded, top-secret branch of the U.S. government, and Sorgi used to rank highly in that particular office. Turns out, he's still employed by them. They wanted to get a foothold in the NFL, and they knew of his quarterback days at the University of Wisconsin. So they took him and put him on the NFL team that least needs a backup quarterback, so he wouldn't be exposed. And on Sunday night, Sorgi played and did his duty to keep all of this airtight and contained.

It all makes sense, man. Everything is coming together. Look at this photo of Dungy congratulating Titans' coach, Jeff Fisher, after the game. From what I know, Fisher didn't know about the Goodell/Crennel/Dungy involvement in the game, until Dungy explained the situation to him here.



See how Dungy doesn't look upset to have lost? And see the mild surprise on Fisher's face? Everything has come together. The puzzle pieces fit yet again. Roger Goodell is manipulating things from on high. I don't have all the information, but within a few days, you're going to have your mind blown by a scandal that involves Tony Romo, Matt Hasselbeck, Circuit City and the estate of Richard Pryor. The only thing I can say is keep an eye on the skies, and don't drink your tap water without boiling it first.

Do you hear me? Do not drink the water without boiling it! I am issuing a national boil order for the United States of America! Take heed!

Stay safe, compadres. Be alert at all times and don't be afraid to hide your fruits and vegetables for safe-keeping.

It's a conspiracy

By Vern Beedle
Veteran

I've seen some things, man. Listen here to what I have to say.

Last night, I was in Baltimore and noticing things going down around the Patriots and Ravens game. Before the game, I was in the tunnel, and I tell you, I saw Roger Goodell himself standing there talking to Bill Belichick. I saw him. They were talking.

So I leaned in closer to listen to them and I heard what they were saying when they were talking. They were talking about how the plot to keep the Patriots undefeated was going to go down. Seems that Belichick was worried about the Ravens spoiling the party.

So he tells Goodell that he wants Ray Lewis dead. Goodell says he's been working on it and Belichick nods. He was pleased by what Roger had to say, I tell you. He was happy about it.

I was scared they were going to notice me spying on their conversation, so I dropped back into the shadows. Then things got kinda hazy. Belichick started talking about how Charles Barkley had a bet on the game, and he didn't want Charles to get upset. Roger said he knew all about the Barkley Plan, and he had things squared away with Ahmad Rashad and Matt Damon. Everything was in place.

They shook hands and walked off. The game started and the Ravens were hanging tough. At halftime, I headed back to the tunnel because I thought there might be another meeting. There was, and Belichick was angry that things were so close and the undefeated season was in danger. He told Goodell that the Hussein plan didn't include this loss. Then he told him that Google had put down too much money and had too much invested in the Barkley Plan for it to go wrong. Goodell said he had spoken with Tiger Woods during the game, and Tiger told him that everything would be taken care of. It was crazy stuff, I tell you.

After this, they called the refs over and whispered some things to them. I couldn't make it out, but I did see Belichick hand the head referee a small, brown purse. Then, a sheet of paper fell out of Belichick's pocket when they walked away. After they left, I captured it and read what it said.

The paper was written in Arabic, so I could only make out a bit of it. But from what I gathered, the Patriots undefeated season was based on the premise that the war in Iraq would end based on George Bush's ties to Texas. If the Patriots went undefeated, the troops would pull out and Tiger Woods would be named the President. It seems Barack Obama is merely a government ploy to get people comfortable with the idea of a black president. Then, in the final paragraph, it laid out plans for the Tiger-controlled government to merge with Iran and become a nuclear superpower that would take out all of Europe, so we could have access to their cathedrals. After we gain that control, we would snuff out all of the Catholics and use the cathedrals as bases for Charles Barkley to implement his new chain of sports bars.

I'm telling you, this is why the Patriots needed to stay undefeated, and why they had so many chances to win last night with all of those penalties and weird defensive holding calls. There's a reason those things happened! You have to listen to me! This is something that needs to be stopped. I'm telling all of you, send a letter to Google and order them to stop funding this project immediately. If you visit their website at www.google.com you can find out more about how to help stop this. They will only listen if 5 million people e-mail them. Without the funding, this can't happen.

Please. Help stop the Patriots from going undefeated. It will bring on a nuclear winter. Help now, I'm begging you. I've seen the future.