Monday, December 31, 2007

Burt's Hall of Fame wagon

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

The time of the year has come when writers from all over the place try to tell us who should be in the baseball Hall of Fame. Since there aren't too many obvious choices like Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn (BEST FAT GUY EVER!) last year, this might be the year that people finally give some love to dudes who get snubbed every year.

I don't have a vote, but I do have a list of the guys who should be in the Hall. YOU LISTENING, COOPERSTOWN? Why is the Hall of Fame in a shitty little New York town anyway? Put it somewhere more accessible, like Los Angeles or Bristol, Connecticut!

My list.

1. Goose Gossage. Goooooooooooooooose. He had the crazy mustache and he KICKED ASS as a closer. He had the best decade as a closer of anybody who's ever marched in to gimmicky rock songs in the ninth inning. (BEST CLOSER SONG EVER: "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith). He pitched a ton of innings, too, and got 310 saves and 124 victories. HE DOMINATED.

2. Lee Smith. He had 478 saves. HELLO THAT'S THE MOST IN HISTORY. Seven-time All Star, top five in saves 11 times. He's like the Cal Ripken of saves!

3. Andre Dawson. Everybody always wants to talk about on-base percentage, but let's look at stats that don't require three high-powered computers to calculate. He had 438 home runs and 1,591 RBIs, AND he had 8 gold gloves. Plus, they called him Hawk, because if you didn't vote for him for the Hall of Fame, he would swoop down on your ass and peck you to death with his beak. Then eat you.

4. Jack Morris. BLACK JACK. Or was that a different Jack pitcher? Whatever. He had 254 wins, which is way more than a lot of guys who are Hall of Fame worthy, including Johan Santana. He had a career 2.96 ERA in the WORLD SERIES, and he was among the top five in wins five times in the American League. Plus, he was scary! VOTE BLACK JACK TO THE DANCE.

5. Jim Rice. Why does everyone call him Jim Ed? That's stupid. Is that like Phys Ed or Jim Class? Maybe it's because he was so athletic. Or it's because, he has 382 career home runs, eight all-star appearances, top five votes in the MVP five times, top five in RBI seven times and played for the BOSTON RED SOX. He hasn't been voted in yet, because he's black.

6. Bert Blyleven. DID PEOPLE FORGET THAT BERT BLYLEVEN PLAYED BASEBALL? He ranks fifth in career strikeouts, eighth in shutouts, 17th in wins, and everyone who ranks ahead of him in those categories is in the Hall of Fame or still ineligible for the Hall, except Tommy John, who is in the Hall of Accidental Fame. Just because he didn't win 300 games is soooo stupid. I'll circle you, Bert!

7. Dale Murphy. He won the MVP two times, during which he dominated everybody in baseball. Just because he didn't stick around that long doesn't mean you should forget greatness. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Also, I read that he's ambidextrous. He might be the first ambidextrous guy in the Hall of Fame! I WOULD TOTALLY VISIT THAT EXHIBIT.

8. Keith Hernandez. Do people not vote him in because he was on Seinfeld all those times? That's a shitty reason. Best fielding first baseman ever! I challenge you to come up with a better fielder than Keith Hernandez. Ozzie was in the Hall of Fame for fielding, and so is Willie Mays, so why not Keith? I'M KEITH HERNANDEZ

9. Ron Santo. He was one of the best third basemen for many decades, and he did it all without his real legs. How come Tommy John gets all kinds of credit for being the first to tear his rotator cuff, but nobody talks about Santo's accomplishments?

10. Dave Concepcion. Best all-around shortstop of his generation, and he was a member of the Big Red Machine. He stole a ton of bases, made a ton of great plays in the field, and has numbers similar to some other Hall of Famers. PUT HIM IN THE HALL.

11. Dave Parker. He won an MVP, a couple batting championships and sang "We Are Family" while snorting cocaine and hitting home runs. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience, that is HARD TO DO! I want an old-school Pirates uniform for my birthday.

12. Donnie Ballgame. Mattingly would have been the next great manager of the New York Yankees, but George Steinbrenner is CRAZY. He was an MVP and won nine Gold Gloves and might have been a better fielder than Keith Hernandez! HOW CAN THAT NOT BE ENOUGH TO GET HIM IN?

13. Pete Rose. It's SO STUPID that Bud Selig won't let him in. Just because he gambled a little doesn't mean he should be kept out of the Hall. Tim Donaghy bet on THE GAMES HE REFFED, and nobody has come out and said that Donaghy would be barred from the NBA Hall of Fame. It's just not consistent.

14. Tim Raines. They called him Rock because he rolled, haha! He had 2,605 hits and 808 stolen bases, and all after taking it easy for the last decade and a half of his career. You can't hold it against him that he played in Montreal. CANADIANS RULE! Like Sarah McLachlan. She's a fox.

15. Harold Baines. GREATEST DESIGNATED HITTER EVER, except maybe for Edgar Martinez and Pete Incagvilia.

16. Jose Rijo. The man came back after being out of the game for FIVE YEARS, and he also did really well in the 1990 World Series. That's two cool things in one career, and that gets my vote.

17. Mark McGwire. HE NEVER TESTED POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS. Also, he doesn't want to think about the past, so he's on my present ballot! Haha! Seriously, though, he hit all those home runs in 1998 and everyone loved him! He wasn't in the Mitchell Report, so he probably didn't do anything wrong. Just vote for him.

18. Kirby Puckett. How is he not in the Hall of Fame yet? Oh wait, he is. Nevermind. BEST FAT GUY EVER.

19. Robb Nen. He has 314 saves and he was on the World Series team with the Marlins! Nobody ever remembers him as an elite closer, because he didn't have a funny theme song or a magic dance like Papelbon. It's a crime that nobody talks about him. PUT HIM IN THE HALL.

20. Alan Trammell. He was only one of the best shortstops for like 20 years, and he hit way better than .300. He raked on Nintendo RBI Baseball too!

21. David Justice. Got with Halle Berry.
22. Chuck Finley. Got with, then beat up by, Tawny Kitaen
23. Albert Belle. Got some guy to steal a bat for him. That's persuasive power! And he tore up a lot of baseballs, but he gets forgotten because he was an ass before he overdosed on steroids. Barry Bonds is an ass and everyone loves him! It's not consistent.
24. Nook LaLooche. Killer fastball.
25. Dante Bichette. Got some MVP votes.
26. Jose Mesa. Longest career in recorded history.
27. Randy Myers. Dominant closer for a few years.
28. Hideo Nomo. The TORNADO, threw like three no-hitters!
29. Gary Gaetti. Completely underappreciated.
30. Jay Buhner. THE GOATEE.

So if anyone ever asks Burt to choose a Hall of Fame class of 2008, I would choose Gossage, Smith, Dawson, Morris, Rice, Blyleven, Murphy, Hernandez, Santo, Concepcion, Ballgame, Parker, Rose, Raines, Baines, Rijo, McGwire, Puckett, Nen, Trammell, Justice, Finley, Belle, LaLooche, Bichette, Mesa, Myers, Nomo, Gaetti and Buhner.

I know that leaves a lot of guys snubbed from the list, but that's why the Hall of Fame is such a prestigious honor! Not just anyone can get in. Sorry, you should have played better!



Blogger TheJay said...

Gaetti and Raines should also get points for batting without earflaps after everyone else had to use them. Knowing you could take one in the ear and resisting positive change anyway goes to the roots of a fundamental tenet of baseball history!

January 04, 2008 4:15 PM  

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