Saturday, December 29, 2007

LiveBlog: The Quest for Perfection

Marv Blackstone
Editor-in-chief


Tonight the New England Patriots, in pursuit of perfection, take on the New York Giants. And since you kids seem to like reading neurotically-updated blogs, I thought I'd pop in here and write one for you to read. That is if you're a big enough loser to be sitting in on a Saturday night, reading a live-blog from an old man. At least I have an excuse: I'm old and live at least 80 miles from any sort of civilized area. I also can't find pants, so I can't go out in public. On the upside, my laptop is really warming my thighs right now.

Enjoy the game and the blog. I'll be here until I pass out.

6:54 While we're waiting for the game to start, here are other notable perfections for you to examine:



6:57 While waiting for the game, Wheel of Fortune is on TV. Vanna White just touches the number now? Doesn't even have to turn them? Lazy bitch.

7:00 Tonight's drinking game:

Mention of the word "perfection": 1 drink
Tom Brady touchdown: 4 drinks
Shot of Wes Welker's eyes: 6 drinks
Mention of Patriots' offensive line: 2 drinks
Brandon Jacobs' size mentioned: 2 drinks
Collinsworth subtly insults Gumbel: 3 drinks
Tom Coughlin stands with mouth agape: 2 drinks

7:08 Roger Gooddell talks like a dipshit.

7:16 Lil Eli Manning hits Plaxico Burress for a 52-yard bomb. Collinsworth says that Ellis Hobbs is the worst player on the Patriots.

7:18 Manning pass ruled incomplete, Coughlin throws red flag with his mouth wide open. That means two drinks.

7:19 For the record, I'm drinking Dewar's Whiskey.

7:20 Giants lose the challenge. Coughlin looks bewildered. Two more drinks. Shit. This is early.

7:23 Ellis Hobbs burned again on a Burress first down. Collinsworth says that Hobbs is the worst player in the NFL.

7:24 Gumbel says that Brandon Jacobs was "stoned in the hole by Vince Wilfork." I don't know what that means, but it makes me a little curious.

7:25 I'm stoned, too.

7:26 Lil Eli hits Jacobs for a short TD and the Giants lead 7-0. Collinsworth imitates Scooby Doo and says "Ruh-roh." Wish I would have incorporated that into my drinking game.

7:28 Took a trip to the outhouse during the break and my bowel movement formed a perfect 'V'. I think that's a sign that the Giants will get a victory. Or perhaps ... the Patriots?

7:29 Brady hits Moss on his first pass. Offensive line is mentioned. Drink.

7:30 Brady hits Welker and we see a camera shot of his eyes! Drink.

7:31 Gumbel says "stoned" for the third goddamn time tonight. I think he's watching ME.

7:34 Brady stands in pocket, eats a hot dog, checks his iPhone and hits Welker for a first down. I am very attracted to Wes Welker.

7:37 Pats have to settle for a FG. Collinsworth blames Ellis Hobbs. 7-3 Giants.

7:39 Someone help me -- what should I have for dinner? In my fridge I have three and a half slices of bologna, a five-year old jar of pesto and a potato. Can I make anything from that?

7:44 On-screen graphic says "perfection." One more drink.

7:46 Bryant Gumbel sounds like a gay Ethnic Studies professor.

7:47 Giants sack Brady; Brady sacks supermodel; Marv shotguns an Icehouse.

7:55 Brady hits Moss for a touchdown. That means four big swigs for me. Word to the wise: don't play drinking games involving the Patriots offense.

7:56 Burp.

7:58 Gahhhhh some dude named Hixon blows past every for a kickoff return touchdown. Giants lead 14-10. Collinsworth blames Ellis Hobbs.

8:08 I must have flalen asslep. I woke up and Gostkowski kicked a field goal, which is booooring. Booooring.

8:10 Did everyone have a good Christmas? Get anything cool? Mine was awesome. I bought myself a $500 gift card to Best Buy.

8:12 Another on-screen graphic mentioning the word "perfection." My handle of whiskey is gone. I'm moving onto some vintage 1977 Schlitz.

8:15 Tedy Bruschi makes a nifty move and Gumbel inexplciably mentions Keanu Reeves. Not sure if that's in referecene to the Matrix or My Own Private Idaho.

8:18 Pats ball. Wes Welker makes his 4,474th reception of the night nad the Patiosts are driiving.

8:21 I just filled out one of those eHarmony profiles and they said I'm "unmatchable." What the hell does that mean? I'm as matchable as anythign you'll ever see. Yeah.

8:23 Another Janigostkowski field goal. 16-14 Pats. Perfection is lame.

8:29 Lil Eli is actually executing a drive. Two minutes left. However, I demand the fat Giants quaterback be putttt in the game. Bering on fatty!

8:32 Fighting! Vince Wilfork pokes Brandon jacobs in the eye. the patrios are all pussies.

8:34. I tried to kill Lil Eli once. Couldn't stand the fucker and wanted him dead. Had my perch in a utility closet in the meadowlands, gun in hand, but I fell asleep before I could do the deed. never trust moonshine that you bought off an 18-year-old.

8:40 Who is Kevin moss? How did he just score? How are the Giants leading the Patriots 21-16 at half? How did I eat 24 beef bullion cubes for dinner?

9:00 And we're back! Had a little incident at halftime. Seems the warmth of the laptop on my thighs, combined with the whiskey, make me feel a little easygoing and I ended up peeing just a bit on the computer. Everything seems efine thoguh.

9:06 PLAXICOCOCOCO BURRESS! Touchdown! And the Giants leadthe Patios 28-16! So much for that pursiot of perfection bill belichcik.

9:10 you guys wanna see something hot? Check this out:



9:14 Gumbo says that we haven't seen m8uch fo Wes Wlker and they show a graphic saying that welker has 9 catches for 94 yards. good call.

9:16 I blame ellis hobbs for this.

9:19 Lauren Maroney scores to upll the patrios to within five touhcodowns or points or whatever.

9:20 hang on, there's a knock at my Door

9:23 Sorry, that was Nic cage askingme why i haven't gone to see national treasure too yet. i told him it was because of his face and that i also don't have a car anyermo

9:25 eeeeeeeeeeeee.

9:28 JUNIOR SEAU IS STILL PLAYING FOOTVSALL!?!?

9:30 so so sleepy. funny word. sleepy. slee pee.

9:34 one quarter left. I can't tdo it. Tell Bill belichick that if he still wants me, to tie a yelow flag to the old oak tree out back. i will see it when I pass on the trnia on my way back. i hope this is nt' boogbyde bill. byyyyye.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

gotta agree about gumbel's voice.

was he always this bad?

December 30, 2007 11:09 AM  
Anonymous corndog said...

Some good drinking rules. You could use them for any game week 17 and still get fucked up. Every damn announcer couldn't get off Tom's dick or shut up about perfection.

Or Wes Welker's eyes. They are beautiful, now that you mention it.

December 30, 2007 7:20 PM  

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