Monday, March 10, 2008

Dude, I am your father



Dusty Baker
Evil Incarnate


The destruction is almost complete.

As I have taken control of the Cincinnati Reds this spring, I will graciously lend my knowledge to them. They shall soon see the way to power. They will learn that anger, not patience, is the way to dominance.

Ignoring the traditional wisdom of most men, I have gone down a path less-traveled -- a path that most men are too fearful to face. In my plan, my Opening Day outfield will consist of Norris Hopper, Corey Patterson and Ryan Freel.

Impressive. Most impressive.

In training, I recently told young Joey Votto to give into his aggression. I wanted him to feel the power of swinging the bat, and letting the fear of a called third strike take control. Feed your anger, I told him. Feel the power course through your veins.

Incredibly, the young man disagreed with me, saying that he preferred an approach based on patience. I find his lack of faith disturbing.

I've encountered similar troubles with Adam Dunn, who waits for an eternity at the plate. He will take suitable pitch after suitable pitch, often drawing a walk. A man that large should unleash his fearsome swing at every opportunity. He is as clumsy as he is stupid, I've come to find out.

(breathes heavily)

Search your feelings, Adam. Embrace the power of the Dark Side. As you stand in the box, wield your bat and swing ruthlessly at each and every ball. I pay no mind to what your pithy notions of the strike zone may be. Aggression is power. Do not pacify your approach at the plate.

As for you, young Jay Bruce, you underestimate the power of the Dark Side. Corey Patterson has embraced the power. You, unfortunately, remain resistant. Should you continue to ignore what I present to you, you will face your destiny: Triple-A Louisville. Trifle me not with your top prospect ranking. I am most displeased with your apparent lack of progress.

Your thoughts betray you. You know you feel the desire to swing at that 3-0 fastball on the outer edge. Do not resist. I will not accept walking, as that is the path of the weak. The only option is to swing, and swing hard. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy the baseball.

I know the ways of the Force, young Reds. Aggression is the path to dominance. Only by giving into the Dark Side can you reach your ultimate potential. Swing hard, and swing often.

Now, young Bruce. Do you wish to finally learn from the Master? Give in to your fears. Let them soak into you. Feel the hate.

Yes, yes. The Force is strong in this one.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Bad Kermit said...

Holy shit. Those pictures are awesome.

March 10, 2008 1:54 PM  

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