Saturday, February 23, 2008

Butt pimples don't lie

Jonny Dave Floyd

Jonny Dave Floyd is the NASCAR expert for Flotsam Media. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t dance. He hopes to stalk Dale Earnhardt, Jr. someday, but Jonny Dave just "can’t find the time" right now.

Well, y’all, the butt pimples did not lie. Daytona happened just as they predicted. I’m gonna start callin’ ‘em…who’s that old guy that made all those predictions? Nostradamus? Yeah. I’m gonna start callin’ them butt pimples the “Nostradamus of my lower half.” Eh…well, that actually seems like a long and laborin’ name so maybe I’ll just call ‘em my “very special” butt pimples or somethin’.

With all of them superpowers and what not, you might get the bright idea that I’m really pretty fond of havin’ ‘em all over my backside. You’d be wrong. They’re kinda embarassin’ and inconvenient, to tell the truth. I’ve tried gettin’ rid of the danged things, but nothin’ seems to work. I wanted to order that stuff that made Tony Romo’s new girlfriend less weird-lookin’ in the face, but Momma said that was a waste of money. She said I could get the same thing from a bottle of rubbin’ alcohol. So, I gave it a shot. Folks, not only did it NOT work, but I couldn’t do a number 2 for three days because of the pain my butthole was in. It was almost indescribable, but, since I’m a professional writer, I’ll clue y’all in.

Have you ever had a really bad sunburn on your arms or back or somethin’? Like maybe you went tubin’ down at the river or fell asleep outside while washin’ your momma’s truck? Has any jokester ever seen that bad sunburn, walked up to ya, and open-hand slapped that sunburn REALLY hard? It hurts, don’t it. A lot. Okay, just imagine that feeling inside of your butt. But worse. And goin’ on for, like, a buncha hours straight. It was bad. Real bad. Of course, Momma always says ya gotta be careful when you’re pourin’ rubbin’ alcohol on your backside because you don’t wanna get any of it up your butt. Now I know why she says that, I suppose.

Since I told ya exactly what would happen before it happened, I guess there’s no need for a Daytona recap, really. I will share a couple thoughts on the race with y’all, though.

1. I figure that Kurt Busch was probly flippin’ Tony Stewart the bird when Busch pushed Newman past Smoke on that last lap. Probly he was flippin’ him off figuratively instead of literally because those guys really should try to be at 10 and 2 at all times.
2. I mighta been wrong about them foreigners. Well, I mighta been wrong about Juan Pablo Montoya, anyways. That lil dude drives like they did in the old days. No mercy. He’s like a tanned Cale Yarborough. A little dude with moxie. Jonny Dave likes seein’ aggressive drivers that always go for the wins instead of bein’ the nice guy. There definitely ain’t no olé stuff for that Mexican.

As for the Auto Club 500, it looks like I’m on my own. The butt pimples are leavin’ me all by my lonesome for this preview. I thought they might on account of them bein’ perturbed about an incident of a couple days ago where I knocked my legs out from under me, fell on my rear, and popped a couple of the bigger zits. It was a mess back there, but well worth it. I kicked that broom farther than anybody else. I never lose at "Kick the Broom."

ANYWAYS, if I’m on my lonesome, then y’all know I’m pickin’ Little E for the win. It’s only the second race of the season, but he’s big-time due for a win. BUT, if I had to pick a backup (you know, in case Junior’s crew chief makes another stupid decision), then I’d probably go with Kyle Busch. Sure, Kyle Busch looks like that little inbred kid from down the road that’s always tryin’ to peek in Momma’s bathroom window when she’s takin’ a shower and then he almost hit me in the head with a rock when I chased him off the last time. But, he’s always got a real good car, it seems. Kyle Busch, I’m talkin’ about. Plus, he drives like he’s on the interstate and just came down with the runs. Again, that’s Busch. I don’t even think the little inbred kid down the road even has a car or knows how to drive. His family’s awful poor.

Alright, that’s all for now. Y’all be good.



Anonymous Mike D. said...

Wasn't Montoya an open wheel racer? So is the Helio Castroneves NASCAR Era debut far behind?

February 23, 2008 9:39 PM  
Blogger Jonny Dave Floyd said...

A COMMENT! And Momma said nobody read my words.
I'm gonna have to say that Helio won't be introducin' any kinda good era anytime soon, Mike D. If ya re-arrange the letters of that dude's name, ya get "a stench over oil." He's garbage. And he dances like he's got a pecker up his butt. Probly drives like it, too. I don't know because open-wheel drivin's for twinks.

February 24, 2008 9:19 PM  

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