Saturday, January 14, 2006

Hook 'er, horny: The Vince Young debate

Skip Bayless called him the next Michael Jordan. Lee Corso shrieked that he's the greatest college quarterback of all-time. Chris Berman (who ain't dead yet, people) said that Reggie Bush is going to be nothing but, well, flotsam in the 2006 NFL draft. All riled up, our panel of columnists discuss the issue of whom the Houston Texans should select, as if it might affect their franchise in any meaningful way.


Bandwagon Burt
Do you know what I love about Vince Young? EVERYTHING. But also his attitude! Did you see the way he just marched into the end zone and totally blew USC out of the water? He just kinda stared into space saying, "Yeah, that’s right, I just scored the biggest touchdown in the history of college football!" HOOK 'EM HORNS! I want a guy like that on my NFL team, no doubt. I kind of want like a miracle, ya know, and have him fall to the Patriots but honestly, I'm gonna cheer for him no matter who drafts him. Go get Vince Young, Houston! The Texans are going to be a team to watch in 2006, you mark my words!


Agatha Moonfry
Like the way Screaming Trees never quite made a name for themselves despite being the most artistically savvy band of the early 1990s grunge movement, or the way Sugar Ray never quite translated onto rock radio after one ill-placed single gave fans the wrong idea, or the way Blind Mellon entirely lost the momentum of their early work once Shannon Hoon went to the big coke party in the sky, Vince Young is a passing fancy, my serpents. He has some skills, but so do The Killers, and we all know perfectly well that The Killers will be dead in a few years. I'll see to it. How one game can make the entire population of that sticky, arid southern state want him over a potential Hall of Famer escapes me. As Reznor once sang, "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel," the Texans should not continue this masochistic exercise of dabbling in suck. They need to go with the initial instinct and take Reggie Bush.


Curtis Woodward
You loyal, lovely readers out there know that I just love football. I watch it all the time, because there's just soo much testosterone and pent-up tension from these men on the field, and I'm always thinking of ways to relieve tension (winks!). But it has been a long, long time since I've seen as sexy of a football player as Reggie Bush. He's like Clark Kent, only when Clark Kent is turned into Superman. He's always leaping and dancing and prancing into the end zone! Ohhhhh, it's amazing! Texans, you must draft him. Because while Vince Young may be a tall piece of lean beef himself capable of sending me into the occasional conniption, that doesn't change the fact that he also throws like me.


Dakota Brezinski
Yesterday, I really wanted the banana fruit snacks Mommy packed in my lunch. I have had them for many days in a row, and they are soooooo good, and probably the best part of my day, except for the time when we get to sing songs for the Holiday Program in Mrs. Washington's class (she yells at us if we call it "Christmas" because she says the hair-ticks don't want Jesus in the classroom). Before I could eat my fruit snacks, McKenna Mitchell said she would give me her glass of chocolate milk if I gave her my snacks. This was a dilemma. Sometimes, when I have to think about an important decision, I go to the bathroom, because Daddy says he does his best thinking on the throne. But I had to choose right away, because McKenna had a better offer from Jordan Mulroney, who had a can of PEPSI! So I rushed the decision and made the trade, and boy was I sad. Afterward, I cried, because I did not have the lingering flavor of banana on my tongue. Instead, I had chocolate milk, which had little chunks of powder not stirred good. Vince Young is like the uneven chocolate milk and Reggie Bush is the banana snacks. Why would you go for something that looks good and rush your decision and not use your throne properly, when you could have the reliable banana fruit snacks? It's one of life's great mysteries. I have to pee.


Marv Blackstone
I've got a shotgun shell ready for the next bastard who says that Reggie Bush is Sam Bowie. With Portland being the closest NBA team to my home, I tend to rise and fall with the success of the team. And Portland's selection of Bowie sent me into a six-year tailspin of heavier-than-normal-drinking, bank robbing, bar fights, drug use, arson, indecent exposure, tax fraud, mail fraud, embezzlement, cannibalism, conspiracy, manslaughter, grand theft auto, vehicular assault, stalking and criminal use of a firearm. The man only averaged 10 points per game in college. That's it. Reggie Bush set the world on fire in college, so we're not talking about Sam Bowie here. And one good game by Vince Young doesn't change who Reggie Bush is. Think logically and rationally here. Cause if you don't, I'll shoot you in your damn face.


Bandwagon Burt
Look, you know, I've been thinking about it, and Houston would be CRAZY to draft Vince Young. I mean, yeah, he was good and all that, but REGGIE BUSH is like the next OJ SIMPSON or WALTER PAYTON. Everyone says so, even the guys on SportsCenter. So I have to think Houston will not beat around the Bush (haha!) and go for Reg-gie Reg-gie Reg-gie with the first overall pick in the draft. People say I impersonate the commissioner David Tagliabue really well. "With the first overall pick in the NFL draft, the Houston Texans select ... REGGIE BUSH from sunny Soooo-Cal!" Awww yeah. This is gonna be the Texans' year, I can feel it!

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was supposed to be Jesus. Jesus, I tell you!
--Sam Bowie

January 14, 2006 12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does anyone remember me?

-Matt Leinart

January 15, 2006 7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We sure do, Matty.

-Jessica Alba and Jennifer Love Hewitt

January 15, 2006 9:20 AM  

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