Thursday, June 29, 2006

Hey now, you're an All-Star!

By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock

Ticky tick tick tick tick tick! Nope, not talking about that July 4 camping trip you and your family are headed on (haha, ticks!), I’m talking about the fact that time is running out to get your last votes in for the 2006 ALL-STAR GAME THIS ONE COUNTS in Pittsburgh this year. I’ve been spending my last hours submitting ballot after ballot of my favorite picks to represent in the Steel City. Who should go to the Midsummer Night’s Dream? Here’s the scoop!

First base:
In the National League, how can you say no to ALBERT PUJOLS?! He’s probably the greatest player we’ll ever get a chance to see, unless anyone was around to actually see Reggie Jackson play. It’s tough though, because I really, really, really like D-LEE from Chicago, who is an all-star in my mind even though he missed a couple weeks with an injury. Tough call, but it’s FAT ALBERT. In the American League, it’s all Jason Giambi, all the time! Man, he showed all those people who thought he took steroids by having a great year without them this year. Nobody makes the pinstripes look better. Special mention to NOMAH!

Second base:
In the American League it’s that scrappy little Asian fella Tadahipolito Iguchi! That guy is so scrappy and hit like three home runs in a game to almost beat the Astros last week. I love him, and he plays for YOUR WORLD CHAMPION Chicago White Sox. GUCH! In the NL, you have to go with a sleeper…Chase Utley of Philadelphia! I know you’ve never heard of him but look at that man’s numbers! In a fight though, I would go with GUCH over Utley.

Third base:
What a tough call in the NL between the GREEK GOLDEN GOD David Wright Stuff and Scott Rolen and Rocken from St. Louey. They’re both having career years, I think, and David Wright Stuff has that boyish smile. I declare a tie between the two of them! And in the AL, who else could you possibly go with? A-ROD! A-ROD! A-ROD! Did you see him hit that grand slam the other night? So clutch. Nobody makes the pinstripes look better.

Speaking of clutch, how about DEREK JETER. That guy is a gamer. Gives 110% EVERY TIME and dives into the stands to get fly balls. He’s the heart of the entire All-Star team. If they win the game, it’s because Derek was their floor leader. He’s the sparkplug. The glue that holds the whole thing together. Nobody makes the pinstripes look better. The best shortstop in the NL is David Eckstein because that guy has so much heart and works so hard and is so great! Tony La Russa is so lucky to have him. GAMERS AT SHORSTOP. It’s like the official position of gamers everywhere!

Jason Varitek wears that “C” on his jersey for a reason, people…it’s because he’s captain of the AL ALL-STAR TEAM! There is no better backstop in baseball. Varitek is so clutch and without him, the Red Sox would probably only be a .500 team. I don’t know any NL catchers, but I think if I had to choose, I would say Jorge Posada. He wouldn’t mind catching for the NL.

The AL is easy: Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez and Hideki Matsui. WOW! That’s probably the best outfield OF ALL TIME. Manny’s just being Manny all the time and hitting home runs and Johnny Damon – don’t let him fool you folks, under that clean cut look, he’s actually JESUS! Hideki is GODZILLA. In the NL, you definitely have to go with MR. 500 HOME RUNS Ken Griffey Jr., Carlos Beltran and maybe Bobby Abreu, because I want to see that mad home run derby performance from last year. He had like 24 dongs! That’s INSANE! Who’s Matt Holliday?

DH: Big Papi. ‘Nuff said. SO CLUTCH.

The starters would probably have to be Curt Schilling for the AL, with Randy Johnson coming in later followed by Mike Mussina. In the NL, I LOVE Chris Carpenter, and then I have some surprise picks: Brandon Webb (he plays for Arizona where Johnson and Schilling used to pitch) and Bronson Arroyo (he plays for Cincinnati and has long golden hair). Closers would definitely have to be Jason Isringhausen and JON PAPELBON! That guy is going to be rookie of the year! He has like 30 saves.

This is probably going to be the best all-star game we’ve ever seen with these rosters. I’ll be really excited to see who gets the nod tonight…I’ll be watching for that right after Mets-Red Sox. Holla!


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Live NBA Draft. I'm six.

By Dakota Brezinski

Today is a big day for people who like shiny basketballs, and I love shiny basketballs. I see a bunch of them on my TV. They are all for the teams that have won the lottery and get to pick people with silly names at the NBA Draft. I don't know why they don't spend their money on something better, like a new Superman dolly from Toys R Us, but that is what they do. I will be blogging until bedtime. I must go to the potty first.

6:00 p.m. I am adorable. I just saw something not adorable...they showed the moustache of that scary man and tried to sell video games with it. Scary Man is supposed to be a top three pick. I don't like him. Once, a man that looked like him tried to offer me candy and a Pepsi bottle and I remembered what my teachers taught me about strangers. But I like candy and Pepsi. They found me, though, three days later, and had to kill Scary Man. But he's alive and playing basketball.

6:07 p.m. I am happy Dan Patrick is talking to me instead of Chris Berman, because Chris Berman reminds me of uncle Harry and I have a feeling he smells funny, too. However, everyone keeps talking in Europe. I wish they wouldn't. I am still learning English. How can I understand Europe too? Nikolai Tskishishikvilli.

6:10 p.m. Raptors!

6:12 p.m. Scary Man is back on my TV, but they say he takes insulin shots. Daddy likes to take shots too, and that makes him smell funny and act goofy. Jay Bilas says he doesn't like to sip the kool-aid on Aundrea Burble-Yanny, probably because that doesn't sound as yummy as neon strawberry. Now, an illiterate black man is talking and screaming a lot. So angry.

6:15 p.m. Sebastian Telfair is little, like a leprochaun, and now he's going to play with other ones in Boston because that is their logo. Daddy says Telfair wasn't a good fit in Portland because he hadn't killed anybody. Theo Ratliff is on The Cosby Show on WGN a lot. Those black people don't yell as much as this one -- Steven A. Smith. I wonder what the A stands for. Acrobat. America. Albany.

6:22 p.m. I'm bored. When do I get to see the Raptors? Burble-Yanny Kool-Aid! Scary Man! Gay Man! The one from Duke, AND the one from Connecticut! Daddy says LeMarcus is French for "The Marcus." Playa Hata Scott said that the suit Scary Man is wearing will be cut to shreds and given away in packs of playing cards. That's silly. But it does remind me of the one time Mommy and Daddy were fighting and Mommy shipped all of Daddy's favorite magazines to Daddy's boss. I would rather have the gum that comes with the trading cards. Scary Man gives away good gum.

6:30: Scary Man says more people should cry. I cry lots.

6:32: David Stern said that the Madison Square Garden is home of the Knicks, WNBA Liberty and WNBA All-Star Game. Daddy says he's happy that they chose a neutral site for the draft, where they don't play basketball. Raptors! Dan Patrick says Burble-Yanny.

6:37: David Stern looks like that guy who is worried about my red eyes, try clear eyes. Burble-Yanny is the first pick in the draft! He's going to play with Raptors! Rahr!!

6:41: Burble-Yanny probably needs to go to speech therapy, cuz he kind of sounds like Joey Rogers in my class, who always has to leave for speech when we have English lessons. Joey likes to eat nunch and play backetbaw. Now it is time for the Bulls to pick. It was supposed to be the Knicks' pick, but then they went to New York, saw Isiah Thomas crossing the street, and stole his ping pong ball. Thugs. Now Andy Katzenmoyer says the Bulls are trading their pick to the Blazers, but first they are taking French For The Marcus with the second pick. If he gets traded to Portland, he better kill somebody quickly, or he might not play.

6:49: Brian Colangelo just said "minutia," but I think he meant "Menudo."

6:50: Charlotte took Scary Man. Eew, someone just kissed him even though he has a dirty moustache. I hope Emeka Okafor knows not to accept the candy.

6:53: My bedtime is coming! Mommy said I can stay up until the top five are gone, but I will not get to see when my favorite player, Kevin Pittsnogle, gets taken. But I am lucky because Dick Vitale is on my TV, talking nonsense, and usually he isn't on quite this early. Grandma Marsh makes more sense. Grandma Marsh is in the hospital. She thinks I'm the mailman when I come.

6:55: The Blazers take Tyrus Thomas, and everyone seems to think he's going to go to Chicago. Daddy says only take the el-train if you want to get your wallet stolen. I am not worried though, because I learned Kung-Fu from the Ninja Turtles.

6:57: The illiterate black man is screaming again! He's silly. He said the Trail Blazers have no idea what they're doing. Maybe it's because they're running from the police. Daddy says when he runs from the police, it's hard to make good decisions.

7:01: I know it's past my bedtime, but Andy Katzenmoyer thinks that Shelden Williams is going to Atlanta. I thought the Gay Man (UCONN) would get taken here, and not a teammate of the other Gay Man. But what do I know? I'm six. And naked, because it's time for jammies. I love you.


Thursday, June 01, 2006

Ice, ice baby

By DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

There are two reasons why I am pissed today.

One, that strung-out Marv wants me to check in for Game 7 of the Sabres-Hurricanes tonight, which would normally be well and good. But let's be honest, hockey is a bitchface bore ever since Barry Melrose decided to lose the mullet (in the 'hood, we call that shit "selling your soul") and that makes tonight hella boring for me.

Also, the damn Scripps Spelling Bee is on my television! Now there is nothing in life like watching 13 and 14-year-olds who have any number of social shortcomings and will cure cancer someday but never get laid. Those dudes are a kick. You get the feeling while they're waiting in the green room, sipping champagne and smoking a gar, that they could put their heads together and take over the damn world. But they won't, because they don't know how to make eye contact, and they also want to kick the shit out of each other.

It's like watching Children of the Corn, my bitches. Children of the damn corn. I totally knew how to spell the word "phalarope," by the way, which I believe is Greco-Roman for "in the pants."

Anyway, hockey is a great game, based loosely on the Sega Genesis gold mine "NHL 95," and you better believe my Legion of Doom could dominate those Russian Roulette Red Wings when it came down to it. The Sabres have been led by the incomparable Pat LaFontaine and Dominik Hasek, while the Hurricanes are a franchise based on Hartford The Whale, led by Ron Francis.

Yes that was a Wayne's World reference ... you don't think I get white people humor? Yeah, you're probably right. But Tia Carerre is a fox.

Whoa, looking at these rosters have me all turned around. I guess there were some changes since the days of NHL 95. I don't know who I give the edge to, but I think I can make a pretty safe comparison based on the names I see here.

Buffalo's Ryan Miller is a rookie and has a damn boring name. Martin Gerber and Cam Ward are also rookies with damn boring names. As we learn from the spelling bee, young dudes in big situations often start twitching and shit, and I think they'll all start twitching at the same time. No advantage.

If I said, "Yo, broham, here are my friends Henrik and Toni," you would probably think I was talking about my peeps working down at the local massage parlor, not dudes on my blue line. Also, according to intel provided by my inside sources, Henrik Tallinder is a sissy cuz he ain't playing with a broken arm. Carolina has some cat named Frantisek Kaberle, which sounds like something Steven Seagal would do to your ass if you tried disrespecting him. Steven Seagal is my boy. Advantage: Hurricanes.

Buffalo has some dude named Jochen Hecht, and he's from West Germany, which is impossible because West Germany doesn't exist. At least, not since David Hasselhoff was sent there to tear down that wall. Therefore, the dude must be old school, and you have to love old school. You know who else is old school? Maxim Afinogenov, who was born in the USSR. Dog, when you're a dude playing without a country, you are one scary motherfucker.

And hold on for a second, this Mike Grier fella ... he's a brother! They have brothers in hockey? Dog, I thought my boy Shani Davis was the only black man on skates, but I think we know this bodes well for the Sabres. If you check his ass into the boards, he'll pull out a piece and then steal your ride. That's fundamental hockey, if you ask me.

Carolina has Mark Recchi, who is best known for his work on my Legion of Doom team. Still, this dude is like 60 years old, and did I mention Buffalo has a black man on their team? They're gonna play the Canadian National Anthem, the Star Spangled and then Gin and Juice over the loudspeakers. Advantage, Buff.

Buffalo has Daniel Briere and Chris Drury, which is fine, I guess. But Carolina has Rob Brind'Amour, also a member of DeJuan's Doomers. Is there really any comparison? I disrespected my people once by going against Recchi, and I can't do that again. Canes.

So in the end, it's 2-1-1, which looks a lot like hockey because there are ties. Or don't they do that shit anymore? Whatever, it's really close, so I think Carolina will win 6-1 or something. Bold prediction. I'll be sitting courtside, throwing my squid and my hat on the ice after the first goal so I can fit in. Keep a lookout for DeJuan when you're dialed in to Game 7 on the edge of your seat. Peace out bitches.


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