Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Tell me why I can’t wave my penis at that referee

By Trent Bonner
Systems analyst


This is a frustrating game to watch. I come here and pay my money just like everyone else, and I have to sit through this? Well, this is just totally unacceptable. These seats were expensive, those nachos were expensive, my beer was expensive and this is the way I’m treated?

First, you want me to just sit idly by and act like it’s OK that these players are running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Well, it’s not OK, darnit! I’m a paying customer and I have my rights. And then, not only is this team playing like a thousand crudbuckets, the referees are completely blind out there. They don’t have a stinking clue! Hey baldy, have you ever heard of over-and-back? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

And I feel like I should be able to express my displeasure. But you want to stifle my rights as a paying customer, nay, as an American. I didn’t come here to take this guff so easily. Tell me why I deserve this. Tell me why I should have to sit here and take this treatment.

Tell me why I can’t wave my penis at that referee.

What better way to express my disappointment with this putrid mockery of a sporting event? Oh, loosen up, you old bat. You know you were looking at it from across the aisle. It’s a perfectly acceptable penis; it’s very well-suited for waving at blind and stupid referees. And don’t act like you’ve never seen one before. I bet you were a real tramp back in your hey day. Any 65-year-old woman who wears that much rouge is surely one of the whore’s ilk.

Oh, you’re only 47? Ha! Your face looks like my scrotum.

Which you just saw, by the way, thanks to the ineptness of that idiotic referee down there on the wing. No traveling? Well, my compadre, if you’re not going to watch the game, then take a good look at THIS!

It's happening again. My creativity has been squelched ever since I was a child. My grade school teachers repeatedly told me that I couldn’t get upset with poor grades and remove all my clothes, put my socks on my hands, stand on a chair and loudly recite the alphabet. Well, how else do you expect a nine-year-old to cope with life? And my high school art teachers always called my drawings "tacky," "inappropriate" and "extremely obscene." I guess there’s a reason those schmucks are limited to teaching public school art.

I am the true artist. While the rest of the 23,381 in attendance here today show their emotions via foam fingers and socially-acceptable clapping, I opt for the more demonstrative choice. And that choice is to wave my penis at this officiating crew.

Oh, security. Yup, here they come. That's real original. I expected this. A good paying customer tries to speak his mind and express himself, and they’re coming to take me away. Where are you going to take me, you fascist oppressors of freedom and liberty? To jail? It’s just a penis, folks. Both of you guys have one, though this tubby guy here may not have seen his in a while.

Well then, good sir, if that’s the case, I’ve got a treat for you!

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49 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful...absolutely beautiful. Encapsulates everything that is good and bad about this great country of ours. We're the most powerful nation on earth, and we decide to get our kajillion-dollar Army bogged down in a country that doesn't want us there with amateur terrorists in training destroying armor-plated Hummers with fertilizer bombs detonated with Radio Shack RC racer remote controls. We've got the most highly paid, well-trained, super-talented athletes in the world, and all they can think to do is to sexually assault women in hotels or smoke dope and drive 95 mph down the freeway. We've got the most high-powered sophisticated entertainment industry in the world, and the No. 1 rated show on TV in America is a bunch of no-talent teenagers who think just because they actually appear on television and sing the lyrics to the most sappiest songs ever written, that somehow they're gonna be able to fulfill their dreams of assaulting women in hotel rooms and smoking dope while driving 95 mph down the freeway. We have the most productive, diverse, and frankly cheap food production and distribution system in the world, and our Congress is having to pass laws to prevent people from suing McDonald's for clogging their arteries with Chicken McNuggets and french fries seasoned with beef flavoring.

Sometimes I just feel like standing out on my front porch and waving my penis at the whole dang country.

January 26, 2006 6:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i saw a guy do this at a junior varsity basketball game three years ago. then i saw the guy doing coke lines off the sidewalk a few days later. i'd like to think they two are not related, but i can't justify that.

January 26, 2006 6:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHA...I like it, its a man standing up for what he believes in and pursuing his god given AMERICAN right!!

January 26, 2006 7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm constantly waving my penis at referees, too.

Love,
Brenda Warner

January 26, 2006 7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is your right as a man to show off your genitalia to unsuspecting victims.

I know just how you feel.

Just yesterday I dick slapped a bitch for mispronouncing my name.

January 26, 2006 8:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I waved my penis at Doug Drabek while he was warming up in the bullpen in 1996. He proceeded to give up 4 earned runs in 2/3 of an inning.

January 26, 2006 8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the first poster whose post clocked at 4:30 p.m., your post literally took the words right out of my mouth. I read it over at least 5 times, and it rings with so much truth and irony, I bookmarked the page so I can reread it later. Kudos to a good blog entry and an even greater first poster.

January 26, 2006 10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There really isn't a foul in basketball called "over-and-back", "over-the-back", or whatever else you wanna call it. Pet peeve :)

January 26, 2006 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey fuck stain i have a pet peeve for total dumbasses, over and back is when you cross the halfcourt line and go back across it. choke on that :(

January 27, 2006 12:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to clear something up really quick. To whoever said that over-and-back didn't exist, you're wrong. It used to be called over-and-back, but now it is refered to as Ball Returned To Backcourt. I had to look up the actual name and found it here: http://www.members.shaw.ca/jazzace/ace/hoop/ask_time.html. It's about 3/4 of the way down the page. I am hopeful that you demonstrated at a pro game, because if you did that at an elementary game, that could potentially screw up the minds of some kids. And to the first poster, not all superstars do drugs and drive fast cars... just the popular ones. It's not that all sports figures are drug addicts, but the good ones become more known once they do drugs or kill a hooker.

January 27, 2006 1:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the first responder:

Wow, you totally said everything and nothing at the same time. Way to go! In high school and college they'll teach you that you cant just reach your greasy little sausage fingers into every concievable cookie jar on the contemporary American political landscape and knead into tiny doughballs of wisdom. If you're writing brain diarhea, shoot for wit, and you may hit wisdom; if you aim for wisdom, you WILL miss completely, as you have obviously done in this post, and have arrived at a state of mind-numbing banality. The rhetoric smacks of cable news cliches and sags beneath the weight of its own self-indulgences; I apologize for being the bearer of bad news, but i regret to inform you that you have unwittingly become a mouthpiece for the very media you denegrate.


As for the responder to the first responder:

Please do not think that was deep; there wasnt even a taste of irony in that. Irony is two people speaking in cliched abstractions about the state of domestic affairs and international politics by staring into a cathode ray tube for whole weeks at a time then retransmitting that information onto the world wide web with enough glib affect to make you wish assisted suicide was not only legal, but mandatory.

January 27, 2006 6:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, y'all really like the onion, huh?

January 27, 2006 8:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so unique.
That is if you pretend not to notice how much of an Onion ripoff this really is.

January 27, 2006 9:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh rly?













Fark your mom with my penis waving.

January 27, 2006 9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm sure the author is torn up by the anonymous criticism.

-anonymous

January 27, 2006 9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Considering this made fark I'm sure he's in for it.

Blatent Onion style article - teh funnay

January 27, 2006 9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last I checked, the Onion didn't do sports commentary which (if you check the rest of the site) is what this blog is about. And plus, it's not like anything these days is completely original anyway.

It made me laugh and that's good enough for me.

January 27, 2006 9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.theonion.com/content/sports

January 27, 2006 9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

O rly?

January 27, 2006 10:16 AM  
Blogger Flotsam said...

How'd you all get in my cabin?

January 27, 2006 10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to sound negative, but when I read this blog, I get the impression that you believe the referees are not doing their job correctly. Have you taken a referee class? Have you done any officiating? You really ought to try it, because it's not easy.

January 27, 2006 10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like poo

January 27, 2006 10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Penis Penis Penis....wait for it....PENIS!

January 27, 2006 10:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

with the large numbers of calls that referees miss as it is, how do you expect them to see your miniscule member anyways?!?

you most likely have a wee willie, hence the your frustration. don't take it out on the zebras....

January 27, 2006 11:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOURE A RETARD

January 27, 2006 11:59 AM  
Blogger DAVE (theendofdave.com) said...

Hey a blog farked and it's still up and running. Go Blogger

January 27, 2006 12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is "satire!" Why do some people get all fired up and disparaging. If you don't like it, or any posts in the string, DON'T READ THEM! Why do the rest of us have to put up with the childish rants of someone else's anger.

January 27, 2006 12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wave you penis at a referee??? Why don't you grow some real ball and become a referee so if you see if you can do a better job instea dof bitching and moaning. The world has too many damn complainers. Put your $$ where your mouth is and help out!

January 27, 2006 12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, some people clearly are way way too uptight.

I thought it was great. Thanks.

January 27, 2006 1:07 PM  
Anonymous Tyler said...

All rock and roll is just a ripoff of blues music. Vladimir Nabokov ripped off Tolstoy time and time again. Chris Rock is just a ripoff of Richard Pryor.

Who gives a crap? I laughed at it.

January 27, 2006 1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

people... get a life

January 27, 2006 2:27 PM  
Blogger Mr. Bad Mood said...

there is nothing original nowadays, life seems bland, everything has been done.

January 27, 2006 2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was great! I can already tell it's gonna be a good weekend. Oh, and thanks for the inspiration....

January 27, 2006 2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So penis waving is okay, how about using our naturaly installed long range weapontry on said blind judges? What?! It's just sugary water!


If you peed on the judge's leg could a female patron sue... someone... for discrimination?

January 27, 2006 2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anybody who spells "the" in the *clever* online way of doing so by transposing characters in the hopes of being clever (i.e. "teh"), I hearby wave my penis in your general direction..

I don't know why, but I really hate that (not penis waving, of course, but spelling "the" as "teh")

January 27, 2006 4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everybody who had something negative to say about the man that whipped out his schlong _,!,, >> you guys only wish you had the "balls"... All referees should be mushroomed stamped on there forehead,all of them are a bunch of BARNEYS

January 27, 2006 5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even tho it can make a lot of ppl uncomfortable, I love waving my penis about the place!! We live in a society where as long as ppl behave in public, no-one gives a rats ass what goes on behind closed doors....!! well I'm going 2continue 2wave my penis ALL over the place..... ESPECIALLY at shitty referees who dont kno their ass from their elbow, slap it out and shake it furiously like a circus chimp!!!!

Rock out with your cockout!!

January 27, 2006 5:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yo, anon number one: move to canada. you'll fit perfectly. 100% of the canadians i've recently met move down here to work in a startup with the promise "we'll make you rich," sit here and suck up american $$ and b!tch, b!tch, b!tch about americans and the way of life. then they pack up their suitcases full of money and go back home to canada and continue to b!tch about america. if you don't like it, change it. otherwise, go suck your pen!s.

this is america, by god. if you want to wave your penis, then i say, wave it. if you want to try to get rich, whether it's to bang minors and smoke crack and trash hotel rooms, or to take your money slinking back to canuk-land, then by god that's your right to so aspire. just move back to canada quick. because we suck. if you're extremely lucky.

oh yeah. just remember there are laws against some of this sh!t. just not against your right to express yourself. i believe it was ben franklin who said "your right to wave your penis ends at my eyes." or something like that.

January 27, 2006 5:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it looks like the 3 referees that surf the internet have spoken in your comments section. pwned!

January 27, 2006 5:43 PM  
Blogger Female Jim said...

he..he...he.... You said Penis!!!!

January 27, 2006 5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm having this major urge 2slap my penis accross the faces of the referees who have posted comments!! Listen, u decided to become referees, therfore you must accept that us individuals who pay our hard earned cash to watch these matches have the right to express our dis-satisfaction when you numb nuts make the wrong decisions!! I accept that its a thankless task, but fcuk me, its a task you chose to do!! You think American reffs get a raw deal, you should take a look how the soccer reff's get treated in England (by the managers, players and fans)!! Now stand still, I have a lot of penis slapping 2do!!

January 27, 2006 6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bush WAS right, " these Internets are a scary thing".

January 27, 2006 8:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know how many of these comments postings I've read through on various sites. And it's all the same. There's the few people who try to have a decent, honest, and calm argument, with related content in their argument. But, then there's those morons who post things like

"Female Jim said ... (3:53 PM, January 27, 2006) :

he..he...he.... You said Penis!!!!"

If everyone just attempted to post in a civilized manner, these blogs would be so much easier to understand, although they would not be as funny.
Oh, and while I'm at it, complaining, as someone said earlier, I have a huge pet peeve when people try to use symbols in words, like a$$ or whatnot. It also bugs me when someone says "your" instead of "you're." I mean, come on. It's "you ARE something" not "your something."

Back to the topic at hand, penis waving seems very lewd and crude, if you ask me. I am not a referee, and although I disagree with calls made all the time, somebody has to do it. It pays and puts the food on their table. I'd even venture to fathom a guess that a few of the commenters on this site are people who don't have jobs, and just sit at home reading and posting on these sites cause they've got nothing else better to do. And before you jump to the conclusion and make the assumption that I'm a hypocrite, this is the first time I've ever visited this site. I was reading through some stuff on Fark and saw this story, and read it. I am just ashamed at my own ammount of writing, and how much time of my life I just wasted posting this blog that, most likely, will only be viewed by a few hundred people, if that. If you are reading this, and you wasted a good five minutes or more of your time reading this pointless and empty post, don't be like me, and get a life that involves something more rewarding than this. Like being a referee.

January 27, 2006 10:09 PM  
Anonymous Kevin said...

LOL, I loved the story about penile wavery ... but I can't believe NONE of you commenters even mentioned the reference of the 47-yr old's face to a scrotum ! ! ! ! !

I think I woke up half my cell-block from laughing so hard !

January 27, 2006 10:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have got to be kidding me. Grow up! Imagine if the call was in your favor. To the other team, it often seems that way. Sometimes calls suck.

January 28, 2006 8:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For some of you morans who know NOTHING about what it takes to even BE a referee, try taking the test, going to all the meetings, doing games 3-5 nights a week ON TOP OF YOUR DAY job, for a mere $35-$55 a night (if you're lucky). If it's your kid that won't be able to play sports someday (soon) because of the ref shortages, aww...too bad.

January 29, 2006 9:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like to surf around read things. sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of interest. i found this on gorillamask.net and i liked the article. my opinion is that the message about our society rings true, even if what he did is really deemed inappropriate by our standards, his mocking of the customary applause and foam fingers were funny. the penis waving was really a metaphor for freedom of expression, as out of line as the actual act was, the actual act wasn't important. it was the discouragement of the act that is an important thing to think about. and to the people above using thseaurized words and half witty wishful inellectual quips. you may sound smart, but its kinda funny how you try to wave your intelectual might through an internet blog by putting down other people's opinions. you're words may be wordy. but you're smarts ain't smart.
thats just what i felt like saying. disagree or don't. i doubt i'll even com back to this page to check ever again.

January 30, 2006 2:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know why you are mad at the refs, there is no so called over the back in basketball. So it's not surprising you would do something like that in public which is funny but I'm sure that ugly whore's granddaughter didn't need to see it, lol.

February 06, 2006 5:39 PM  
Blogger superlong said...

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April 17, 2006 9:01 PM  

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