Love-Love

Agatha Moonfry
Flotsam staff

Despite reports to the contrary, Maria Sharapova and Andy Roddick have denied that they are ravenously in love, but it's easy for people to draw their own conclusions. The two hideously attractive robots have been seen together at various social events in Australia, namely when Sharapova went to see Roddick play poker. Fortunately, watching poker is only slightly more awful than watching tennis, though at least there's less screaming. Except when I play.

Of course, they are together. And so blessed.

Yet two people in the public eye cannot possibly stay together. The same thing happened to that raven-haired slut Amy Lee of Evanescence -- we knew her affair with dreamy, albeit strung out Shaun Morgan of Seether would not last long, and it didn't. Sonny and Cher, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love and Yoko Ono and John Lennon were all naturally doomed to fail, although Lennon getting shot and Cobain discovering just how much is seventeen times too much didn't help. Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham were never meant to last either, mainly because they had to go to work every day and sing horrible songs as members of Fleetwood Mac.

When I broke up with Brad last year, I thought I did a pretty good job of expressing my feelings by FedExing him a dead possum. Buckingham wrote "Go Your Own Way" and it became a smash so Stevie had to sing it at every show. Buckingham wins.

That pseduo-Russian princess makes me vomit. She traipses around in her shorty-short skirts and then steals the heart of that all-American varsity metro taking volleys on the neighboring court. In the real world, it takes far more effort to get the attention of one you desire, sometimes as much as paying $100 for the adequate amount of cat's intestine to administer the proper spell.

Americans have a fascination with uninteresting, absurdly beautiful people who happen to be excellent at a sport designed for punch-sipping rich homosexuals. They found it thrilling when Andre Agassi and his flowing hair that can only be reminiscient of Motley Crue's Vince Neal ...

I just lapsed into a coma. Refreshingly, I was revived by the faint stench of All-American perspiration.

Anyway, people fawned at Agassi and his marriage to Suddenly Susan, then again when Agassi started having married relations with Steffi Graf, and they spawned. Anna Kournikova and her various Russian hockey players garnered constant attention, as did the love lives of Lleyton Hewitt and those Williams sisters, even though it's pretty clear that they're together, not unlike the siblings of White Stripes.

But honestly, what do I care? Go forth and prosper and make tennis-savvy babies, Maria and Andy, and hopefully everyone will love you for it. Just be aware that the next possum I slay is coming to your mailbox.