It's all going to go down

By Vern Beedle
Veteran

I've seen some things, man. I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy. Listen to me here.

The NFL, they didn't want the Cleveland Browns to make the playoffs this year. They didn't want them in. You might ask why they didn't want them in, and I'll tell you why, man.

I'm sure you all saw the Colts lose against the Titans on Sunday, which let Tennessee into the playoffs and kept the Browns out. If you want proof of a conspiracy, just look at how Reggie Wayne had 12 catches in the first half. Then Roger Goodell called Tony Dungy on the sideline and told him to take Wayne out of the game. And then Peyton Manning came out and Jim Sorgi came in.

Jim Sorgi wore a headset that had a direct line to Roger Goodell's office, man. And all the time he was playing, Goodell was telling him to throw interceptions and stuff, man. I could hear that frequency on my own shortwave radio and that's what he was saying.

The reason the NFL didn't want the Browns in the playoffs? It all has to do with that tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo. Roger Goodell knows (like I do) that Romeo Crennel's uncle is a tiger-keeper at a small zoo somewhere in the west-central United States, and he thinks that information could have come to light if the Browns were in the playoffs. And with all of the current negative publicity surrounding tigers, Goodell didn't want a shitstorm on his hands. He learned from the Michael Vick scandal and wants to avoid any other animal-related publicity nightmares.

So he put in his word to have Tony Dungy intentionally lose to the Titans. Dungy said he didn't want to do it because he believes that you play the games to win, but Goodell told him that he would reveal the information he knows about how Dungy is a prominent investor in Proctor & Gamble, and how the government knows that P & G's Gillette played a major role in the Benazir Bhutto assassination last week. And Dungy caved, because he didn't want his name connected to that event. He said he would lose on purpose. He played Jim Sorgi.

You see, Sorgi is a former government agent who investigates corporate tie-ins to major political assassinations. It's an unheralded, top-secret branch of the U.S. government, and Sorgi used to rank highly in that particular office. Turns out, he's still employed by them. They wanted to get a foothold in the NFL, and they knew of his quarterback days at the University of Wisconsin. So they took him and put him on the NFL team that least needs a backup quarterback, so he wouldn't be exposed. And on Sunday night, Sorgi played and did his duty to keep all of this airtight and contained.

It all makes sense, man. Everything is coming together. Look at this photo of Dungy congratulating Titans' coach, Jeff Fisher, after the game. From what I know, Fisher didn't know about the Goodell/Crennel/Dungy involvement in the game, until Dungy explained the situation to him here.



See how Dungy doesn't look upset to have lost? And see the mild surprise on Fisher's face? Everything has come together. The puzzle pieces fit yet again. Roger Goodell is manipulating things from on high. I don't have all the information, but within a few days, you're going to have your mind blown by a scandal that involves Tony Romo, Matt Hasselbeck, Circuit City and the estate of Richard Pryor. The only thing I can say is keep an eye on the skies, and don't drink your tap water without boiling it first.

Do you hear me? Do not drink the water without boiling it! I am issuing a national boil order for the United States of America! Take heed!

Stay safe, compadres. Be alert at all times and don't be afraid to hide your fruits and vegetables for safe-keeping.