DeJuan Does Gladiators

DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe

Bitches, I have been a lost soul since Bionic Woman was taken from me by those greedy writers and their wants, but the television world has bestowed to me a treat of epic bleeping proportions. It's fucking American Gladiators, bitches! I can't even breathe. Seriously, I think I need to go to the damn hospital.

Ever since Mike Adamle and Larry Czonka went off the air, along with Nitro and Gemini and the luscious, dynamite Blaze in seasons past, I have been forced to get my Gladiators fix through alternate means, like TBS and shit. And ESPN Classic. Dog, I can't afford expanded cable! I can't even afford the medical care to properly re-configure my nose after I asked the lovely Laila Ali if she wanted to show me some of those leg lifts at Chez C3P0.

Now, Laila Ali is on my TV. And Hulk Hogan! Dog, he ain't dead! I thought that whole WWF thing went extinct, like the stegosaurus and shit. Time to check it out.

8:02 p.m. Seriously, they got some Gladiator named Helga! Dog, I have seen some amazing breasts in my day, but those could kill a series of small zoo mammals. Don't get too close Hulk Hogan! You can't even name them individually, like Regina and Dr. Lovespankings. You'd have to name them collectively, after some sort of land feature.

8:07. Shit, I hate these heartfelt contestant features. Ain't nobody caring about your personal life and three kids and your damn motivation. I just want to see you get the shit kicked out of you by a bunch of finely-tuned super mamas with clever names. Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon, since Jessie got all beat up in Powerball. Dog, if you can't survive the games named after the lottery, you're probably not going to hit the jackpot. Shit, did you get that play on words! I'm like Tupac.

8:11. Awwww, Jessie Adams is okay, and she's all like "Mommy's tough, she's okay" into the camera, as if this wasn't getting shown like six months after it's taped. Mommy hasn't run head on into Helga yet. Then, Mommy gonna die.

8:13. Hulk was some damn tight dialog, saying to skater punk Chad, "You are obviously one of the coolest dudes I've ever seen. Those tattoos are awesome." It's like a Lenny Kravitz concert.

8:15. They got some Gladiator named Wolf, an honest to god werewolf! That shit is legit, way better than anything you'd find in the original. I am damn pleased that they are keeping at least one major tie to the original series: rampant, illicit steroid usage. Eat your heart out, Rocket Clemens!

8:17. Jessie Adams is dead! On crutches and shit, Laila Ali is all like, "You showed a lot of heart." I wish all I had to do was roll around and bitch about my ankle to get Laila Ali to tell me how much heart I had. Laila, get with DeJuan! They got some crazy physical therapist named Venus to take her place. I'm yo Venus! I'm yo fire, (Laila), your desire! Dog, American Gladiators has got me in a singing mood.

8:20. So when I tried out for this show, which I did four times in four different American cities, each time I reached like the second level of tryouts before they handed me this damn bio sheet where I had to fill out "contestant information." I don't know why it's so hard to understand -- I didn't sign up to be no damn contestant. I wanted to be a fucking Gladiator. Then, one time in Fort Worth, some British guy wanted me to sing instead of doing my fine ass tumbling demonstration. Dog, the process is flawed.

8:24. Yadda yadda, Joust, yadda yadda playing on some rings and shit. Dude, I did that damn action on the playground when I was 12. I'm bored. Whoa! Now one of the Gladiators got all hurt, and they've sent the Werewolf onto the rings instead of Galvatron or whatever his name was. What a bunch of pansies! Except Helga and her Icelandic jugs.

8:27. I don't remember this Earthquake shit, isn't that like a move by Montezuma from Hulk's playing days? It's a bunch of dancing on a giant frisbee. Hulk is like, "Venus what was it like when she had her legs wrapped around your neck?" The answer, of course, is "would have been better if my man Barry White was playing in the background."

8:33. That werewolf is everywhere, now he be playing this game where they're throwing around some giant ballsacks at your face. Dog, this is not my favorite part of the competition. That one dude Anthony has like a 32-2 lead on Chad.

8:39. Bitches, they are on The Aggro-Crag from Nickelodeon's Guts! Bunch of crazy women throwing contestants down the pyramid, and now Venus has a one point lead! On the dude side of the same event, there's Mayhem with his dreadlocks. He reminds me of me, except way less reliance on pyrotechnics.

8:48. It's eliminator time! I'm gonna say that every time I use the john.

8:49. They got to swim underneath fire! I can't believe I haven't thought about that shit before. Next tour, I'm definitely coming out on stage totally immersed in a lake of fire. Except a dunk tank instead of a lake. That's like King Arthur and shit!

8:51. Venus scores a comeback win on the Eliminator, prompting Hulk to spit some mad dialog again, chirping on about "the sun, the moon, the stars, and Venus was definitely in alignment." It's all like cosmic and shit, we get it, Hulk Hogan. Your old show sucked, but it had way better writers than this one. Dog, the WGA needs to get their shit together, cuz this could force humans back to books. Fucking books!

8:54. Harvey McGuffin just called and is hella, hella pissed that they didn't have no Assault, where they have like tennis balls and guns and shit. Harvey says it reminds him of the war or whatever. Dog, I'd listen to what he says, cuz I heard a rumor that he was a Gladiator back in the day. I think he was Malibu, dog, I really do.

8:58. Chad's making a comeback on the Eliminator, which is really stupid because Anthony kicked his ass all day. Anthony wins anyway. Yay. OH MY GOD THERE IS A SECOND HOUR OF THIS SHIT. Well, I am not prepared. That's all I got. There better me more Helga in this hour.