Labels: Murphy Kramer
By Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships
Like everyone else, I get excited about the NFL Draft, handing out my grades each year to the teams I felt did best. I’ve been ranking players since 1982 using the Murphy Oliver Kramer System for Intelligent Engineering (MOKSIE), so I get awful irritated when those punks on TV tell me how hard it is to grade out players right now, that we have to wait a few years to really know. Screw that.
The best part of the NFL Draft is the grading process. My particular favorite grading handouts come from Mel Kiper, Todd McShay, CNNSI, The Dallas Morning-News, CBS Sportsline, the USA Today, the Chicago Sun-Times, the Los Angeles Times, Pro Football Weekly, Dave Finn’s Football Bloggy, The Boston Globe, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Drudge Report and Vanity Fair. As an American, my heart swells when I have the privilege of analyzing a longterm investment the second I make my first deposit.
For example, I dusted off my previously-unpublished 2004 draft rundown, and as you can see, the MOKSIE works pretty well. Check out some of my observations:
Buffalo: B-. I think Lee Evans will become a quality big-play receiver, but I have serious questions about J.P. Losman down the road. He’s the type of guy who gets thrown into the mix and gets replaced by some no-name free agent a few years later.
Miami: F. There is just something anonymous about first-round pick Vernon Carey, Will Poole, Tony Bua, Rex Hadnot, Tony Pape and Derrick Pope. I predict that the Dolphins will struggle in the future. They’ll be so bad in a few years that one of their best players will become more well known for a reality television appearance than actual football.
Baltimore: D-. Dwan Edwards and Devon Darling. Too many D’s. They just got another one.
Cincinnati: C. Call me crazy, but I have a bad feeling about running back Chris Perry in the first round. I’m no doctor, but I have concerns about his health. I also am very fond of fourth-round choice Robert Geathers. When they took him, it made me jump out of my seat. From here on out, I will call him Jumpy Geathers, and hope it catches on.
Cleveland: C+. Kellen Winslow is a solid first-round choice, but his fiery demeanor makes me worry that he’s going to do something stupid, like get into a motorcycle accident or something ridiculous. Also, I think Luke McCown is going to be the league’s next big thing.
Pittsburgh: B+. Never a bad thing when you get a guy who has the potential to be your franchise quarterback, like Ben Roethlisberger. I like him and think he can take the team all the way to the Super Bowl. Bold prediction, I realize. Every now and then, you have to applaud a team for their work signing undrafted free agents, as well. There’s this little guy out of North Carolina named Willie Parker, and the Steelers took a good gamble on him.
Houston. Incomplete. When did Houston get a football team?
Indianapolis: C. I know Bob Sanders gets a lot of criticism for being undersized, but I love his heart and motor. I think he might be a player who succeeds surely on willpower and dreadlocks alone.
Kansas City: C. I can’t get inspired by second-round choices Junior Siavii and Kris Wilson, but my pure football instincts tell me that Sammie Parker and Jared Allen will make very nice mid-round selections.
Oakland: D. Robert Gallery will not be all that great for the second overall pick in the draft, mark my words.
San Diego: A. Look, I’m not crazy about the Eli Manning for Philip Rivers trade. In fact, I think Manning’s charisma and spunky charm is evidence that he’s going to lead the Giants to the Super Bowl someday. But it’s not like Rivers is terrible, and even though they were crazy and drafted a kicker (Nate Kaeding) in the third round, I like that pick. I also think Igor Olshansky, Nick Hardwick and Michael Turner were good picks. I have a really good feeling about this draft for the Chargers.
Dallas: C. Julius Jones might amount to something, but the real steal was the seventh round receiver Patrick Crayton out of NW Oklahoma State. I think Jones will be the type of guy that gets hyped for a few years, but ultimately shucked aside in favor of a running back with balls.
Chicago: A. Two words: CRAIG KRENZEL. Genius selection. Otherwise, Tommie Harris, Bernard Berrian and Nathan Vasher will add very nice roster depth.
New Orleans: B-. Devery Henderson has the potential to serve as a team’s No. 2 or three receiver, and first pick Will Smith is named after the Fresh Prince.
Arizona: A. I really like what Larry Fitzgerald brings to the table, and I think Karlos Dansby was a smart second-rounder. I also think tackle Darnell Dockett will make the Pro Bowl someday. Great draft, but eventually, the team is going to have to pay Fitzgerald and risk alienating their other players. They should trade him a couple years down the line.
St. Louis: B. Even though he was the 24th overall choice, I think Steven Jackson is going to be a fantasy football must-have in a couple years. Oregon State produced a gem.
Seattle: B-. I think Michael Boulware, Sean Locklear and DJ Hackett will all have better careers than first round pick Marcus Tubbs. Just one of those hunches I get it my bones.
San Francisco: F. Failures. Punter Andy Lee is the best player in this class.
Labels: Murphy KramerBy Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships
Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 16-68 mark in his nine seasons at the helm, including a 1-8 mark last season.
I love NFL free agency. I love the rumors. I love the uncertainty of not knowing where a key player is going to end up. I love agile black men and their powerful hamstrings.
Every year, I grab myself a pad of paper and a writing instrument and evaluate the top talent that is readily available. I then send it off to each NFL team in an unmarked, white envelope. Despite this yearly ritual, I have never been compensated for my efforts, despite the time I told the Patriots to sign Adalius Thomas and they did, and he was awesome, just like I said he would be. Where's my cut of the check, Bill?
Anyway, here is a list of this year's best of the best, my notes included:
Alan Faneca, G
Large man. Shaggy hair and beard. Blocks defensive lineman. Does it pretty well. Once ate a rabid goose while it was alive just to teach a classroom full of first-grade children about the dangers of not properly cooking your meat. Spent four days in a hospital after the incident. Returned to the field two days later to block for Willie Parker's 213-yard game against the Saints. Slightly largely-than-normal testicles.
Prediction: St. Louis Rams
Bernard Berrian, WR
Best NFL player named "Bernard." Runs really fast, similar to many NFL wide receivers. Known for being a snazzy dresser, possibly an indication of homosexual behavior. Probably OK for a wide receiver. Reportedly would "kill someone" just to play with a real NFL quarterback, since he never has.
Prediction: Miami Dolphins
Flozell Adams, OT
Big human being. "Flozell" is not his real name; it is short for "Flozelliam." Pregame ritual included stuffing Tony Romo in a locker and then eating six ham and cheese sandwiches. Quick feet should allow him to remain effective for several more seasons before he balloons to 430 pounds and his feet are crushed under the weight of his own body.
Prediction: After I wrote this, I found out that he re-signed with the Cowboys. I predict: Cowboys.
Lance Briggs, LB
Overrated little bitch who only looks good because he plays next to Brian Urlacher. He'll fade into mediocrity and probably die from syphillis within three years. Also, whiny.
Prediction: Washington Redskins
Asante Samuel, CB
People pay lots of money for cornerbacks, and Samuel will get lots of money. Has been described by many as "infectious" in the locker room, which, to me, is not a positive thing. That's two STD jokes in a row, if you're keeping track.
Prediction: Philadelphia Eagles
Michael Turner, RB
Fantasy football has doubled Turner's value, simply because everyone knows him as LaDanian Tomlinson's handcuff. Without this, he would simply be another backup running back. Will find it difficult to get running room away from San Diego's offensive line. He's a big back, which means he seeks out contact and will always be injury-prone. Buyer beware, sayeth Murph the soothsayer.
Prediction: Detroit Lions
Labels: Murphy KramerBy Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships
Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 16-68 mark in his nine seasons at the helm, including a 1-8 mark last season.
To my colleagues at Plano Horizons:
For nine years, I have breathed, sweat, and cried Bronco football for this fine institution of secondary learning. For nine Fridays as the leaves on the oak tree in the school's back lawn turned a bouquet of pastel colors, my charges have played with heart, determination and good-naturedness. It has truly been a pleasure.
I write to you because I want you to know that I have been offered a coaching position at nearby Laughlin Prep. As you may or may not know, Laughlin has had winning seasons in each of the last seven years, with five trips to the state quarterfinals and one special run to the Class AAA state title. The Bulldogs are good, with fine facilities, fervent community support and admirable student-athletes.
The position is interesting, but I want it to be clear that I love being at Plano Horizons. I'm taking a big cue from a person I admire here, Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett, and many other coaches who have had amazing new opportunities presented to them, only to stay where their heart lies. Even though my current position is somewhat smaller in stature than the one offered at Laughlin, the memories I have made here supersede any new opportunity.
I remember the time little Richie Watkins caught two touchdowns in one game, part of a tremendous season that led to a walk-on opportunity at a Division II college. I remember one year when we lost in the final two minutes, and narrowly missed a chance to finish with a .500 record. I remember that one year when we finally won our Homecoming game, a 3-0 defensive war. These memories have no price tag.
However, if you should feel so inclined to offer an increased salary package to retain my services at Plano Horizons, I would be deeply humbled and gratified by that opportunity. Please do not see this as me using my other job opportunity for leverage. Money is no object, compared to being the proud coach of Broncos football, but I would accept any salary advancements with open arms.
If the budget is tight this year, and additional financial offerings are unavailable, then naturally, I understand. Please know that I have loved my time here, and will always have a place for Plano in my heart. I look forward to my new opportunities with Laughlin, and will be grateful for the start I was given at Plano Horizons.
Sincerely,
Murphy Kramer (but you can call me Old Murph)
Labels: Murphy KramerBy Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships
Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 16-68 mark in his nine seasons at the helm, including a 1-8 mark last season
1. New England Patriots: Well, who did you think would be number one? This is why I hate writing these damn power rankings. It makes me feel like I should do something wacky to get noticed, like when John Kruk predicts Pittsburgh to go to the NLCS or has a testicle removed.
2. Indianapolis Colts: Peyton's crew has quietly had a very good season, but you don't hear about it. I think the Colts are primed to roll into the playoffs, and that pass defense could cause some problems for the Patriots if they meet again. Also, Bob Sanders makes me wet.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Not a single Jag was voted into the Pro Bowl, despite a fantastic season from Jack Del Rio's boys. You heard it here first: the Jags have the best chance to upset the Patriots in the playoffs. New England can be run on, and the Jaguars can run and control the clock, limiting the number of possessions in the game. A shorter game means a smaller sample size, and a better chance for the lesser team to come out on top. Hey, look! Real analysis!
4. Dallas Cowboys: Did anyone else see Wade Phillips' daughter in Charlie Wilson's War? Holy jebus. I wonder if Tony Romo has conquered her as well. Besides, what is Wade going to do about it? Bench him? P.S. Marion Barber makes me wet.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers: I think their defense is as fearsome as Kathy Bates on a chilly day, and in the cold weather of the playoffs, that's going to take them far. Unless the go play in Indianapolis, where they'll get hammered.
6. San Diego Chargers: Tomlinson is rolling again, and ... well, that's about it. Norv Turner is still the coach, and their quarterback still wears Dora the Explorer footy pajamas when he sleeps. I'm not buying the resurgence.
7. Green Bay Packers: I'm very excited for the latest Brett Favre season-ending interception. Let's take bets on when it will come. I say with 4:53 left in the fourth quarter, NFC Championship, to Ken Hamlin.
8. Seattle Seahawks Sure, whatever.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I like Jeff Garcia just enough to slip them in this spot. They might win a playoff game, but that's probably it. The defense is too old, and so am I. Can I stop at 10? There are a lot of crappy teams in the NFL. (editor's note: Sure, whatever.)
10. Tennessee Titans: I like their defense a lot, and I think the running game is solid. I also think Vince Young will someday win a Super Bowl. As a wide receiver.
By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I have tried to sleep for the last three nights, but I simply can't, so I'm on coffee and Smarties and Tootsie pops and caffeine pills, thinking about NFL football! I NEED TO KNOW WHO WINS THE SHOWDOWN.
You have The Patriots and their New England dynasty and Belichick the MAN-GENIUS and a nervous Bob Griese and Donte Stallworth up the middle and Richard Seymour, Medicine Man, and Randy Randy Moss! You can't not love that. And it's BOSTON, THE CITY OF ANGELS.
Then you have Peyton's Place and Marvelous Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne and going through the big D, and yes I mean Dallas! Dallas CLARK! The defense is hard hitting, with Freeney and Sanders and TONY DUNGY IS A BLACK MICHELANGELO. You can't not love that. Indianapolis FIVE-HUNDRED. I'm a member of the A/V club, and you know I'm talking about Adam Viniateri.
In the end, I choose neither. TIE GAME. You heard me.
By Curtis WoodsworthThe dark side - Saturday, 11:45 a.m.
DeJuan C3PO
Fly Scribe
I am damn sure that Uncle Marv is illiterate, but if he's reading, I want to make it clear that from now henceforth, I want the title of my column to be "The Dark Side With DeJuan C3p0." I can hear the pitter patter of fine ladyfeet running over to stroke DeJuan's chest hair as I type. "Oooh, suger, you that fly C3P0 from the Dark Side?" "Honey, let me show you my death star."
Cue that crazy ass music. Darth Vader is in the house, and he is breathing heavily.
That dark side shit is damn appropriate cuz that's kind of what the New England Patriots is. They've got Tom Brady and Mike Vrabel and Wes Welker and a whole lotta white folk, but that Bill Belichick is evil. He's got cameras in bathrooms and shit. DeJuan is not okay with that.
He's also done some damn crazy stuff in his career, and I am pretty sure ain't nobody likes him. He's probably killed a man. That's uncouth.
So all this undefeated shit, and this rolling over opponents? Dog, I think he's using some kind of dark force. Mindmelding and shit. I think Yoda would be mighty pissy if he saw what was going down. Man, I am on board with not calling down the dogs if you're up 21 in the fourth quarter. But they were up 40 with two minutes to go. What the shit? You don't want to kick the Redskins when their chips are down.
They've won three Super Bowls, and I have to wonder if some soul-selling with the devil ain't part of that. It just ain't right. It reminds me of my favorite song, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the damn incomparable Charlie Daniels. Of course, the devil did not go down to Georgia because the Falcons probably didn't sell their soul. If they did, they got some shitty results out of that deal.
All's I've got to say is I'm pulling for the good guys, the whitest of white people Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy's white wizard Gandolf shit. Frodo Fucking Baggins.
Quarterback comparison - 7:27 p.m.
By Dakota Brezinski
Seven-year-old
I will always love Mr. Bubba.
He was my favoritest stuffed animal, a ginormous panda bear, and we had many wonderful times. Mr. Bubba was by my side went I rode on a plane for the first time to visit Grandma, and when I first climbed up the big tree at recess and started running around the school roof. Mr. Bubba was always there for me.
He was the greatest stuffed animal I ever had. But then came Dr. Eugene Burp.Dr. Eugene Burp was a present for my sixth birthday. He was a stuffed grizzly bear, with fuzzy fur, and he TALKED! All I had to do was grab his hand and he said funny things, like "Raaaaaaar." And "Don't start forest fires." We had lots of conversations, and Dr. Eugene Burp became a stuffed animal who could listen and talk back when I wanted to tell him about my day. I told him about how Tanner and I put a mice in Mrs. Winston's coffee, and he said, "Say no to smoking." Dr. Eugene Burp!
Slowly, he became my favoritest stuffed animal. When I would play in the yard, he would come with me and tell me fun things, even though it used to be Mr. Bubba who came with me. I think Mr. Bubba was jealous. It makes me sad sometimes because Mr. Bubba is still a really good stuffed animal, and if he challenged Dr. Eugene Burp to a fight, I think Mr. Bubba might win.
The media doesn't care about their Mr. Bubba, Peyton Manning, anymore. He averaged 36 touchdowns over the last three years and won a SUPER DUPER BOWL last year and has completed 65 percent of his passes every year since 2002, including this year. Tom Brady is pretty good, even better than Dr. Eugene Burp, with 30 touchdowns already. But before this year, he never completed 65 percent of his passes, and he has the advantage of a super good football team to play with.
But that doesn't make Mr. Bubba a bad stuffed animal, or Peyton Manning a quarterback everyone should forget. But there is only room for one favoritest stuffed animal in the hearts of people, and right now Tom Brady is the one who talks! "Don't have sex before marriage." I don't know what that means, but the man with the pretty green robe said it last weekend at church. It sounds like something Dr. Eugene Burp would say.
I still think Mr. Bubba could beat Dr. Eugene Burp in a fight. Someday, I will know.
By Murphy KramerLabels: Bandwagon Burt, Curtis Woodsworth, Dakota Brezinski, DeJuan C3P0, Murphy Kramer
Labels: Murphy Kramer
By Murphy Kramer
Punters win championships
Coach Murphy Kramer is the head football coach at Plano Horizons High School in Plano, Ohio. His Fighting Broncos have a 16-68 mark in his nine seasons at the helm, including a 1-8 mark last season
Nothing gets my blood pumping in the morning like the sunrise, a good cup of Folgers coffee, maybe a little hanky panky with the old lady and the NFL Draft. Only once a year does this beautiful creature come into my den, where it consumes me over the next 12 hours of my life (I like the second half of round one as well, but usually I hit the hay before that). Last-second judgments are made that determine many years' worth of success or failure.
Without further ado, I present my scouting reports and mock top 10 for this year's main event.
1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush, RB, USC
Drawing comparisons to the great running backs of all time, like Sayers, Dickerson and Natrone Means ... can shift on a dime with exceptional foot speed and explosive ability ... capable of kick-returning with the best of them ... experienced endless success with National Championship program ... a better pass receiver than most of his contemporaries, could serve as a wideout with his skills ... high character, got more than half right on the Wunderlich ... shifty, with his feet and with his eyes as he explains how he wasn't involved in this whole house scandal business ... anyone who can generate the headline "Bush facing probe" is OK by me ... a guaranteed superstar if the Texans pass on him, and looking at serviceable success if they take him ... will be filthy rich.
2. New Orleans Saints - D'Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia
Probably will make Paul Tagliabue giggle with glee when he gets to say "D'Brickashaw" on the podium ... graduated from Virginia in 3 1/2 years, demonstrating his intelligence; athletic, surprisingly strong for his size, will have trouble holding 300 pounds and thus seems grossly undersized for someone in top-five consideration ... will probably be more comfortable around 260 pounds ... the boy doesn't eat three meals a day at Wendy's like most offensive linemen, cut him some goddamned slack ... God I could go for a Frostee.
3. Tennessee Titans - Matt Leinart, QB, USC
Beautiful system quarterback with a great smile, good arm and mechanics ... probably bisexual, not that I'd mind, I'd do him ... fantastic ability to see the open field ... intelligent with 35 on Wunderlich ... Wunderlich indeed ... questions about his ability to handle pressure and his accuracy for a quarterback without immense velocity on delivery ... gets more tail than a confident squirrel at an acorn convention.
4, New York Jets - Mario Williams, DE, NC State
Jets will be looking for franchise-defining player that will build prominence for a new regime ... may thus trade up to obtain Leinart and aid in treacherous quarterback situation ... Williams a superior pass rusher with sundry moves for someone at the college level ... not as explosive as a current Pro Bowlers such as Dwight Freeney but still very capable ... questions about his desire and occasional knack for taking plays off ... shares a name with video game icon ... no relation.
5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk, LB, Ohio State
If he cut his long hair, he wouldn't look like such a Faggity-Andy ... great skills across the board without weaknesses, though no one area of sheer dominance ... consistent player who accelerates well ... possible questions about play strength ... Isn't he dating some really hot chick? ... Packers, looking for someone who can be a greater distraction than Brett Favre, may choose Vince Young instead ... Packers have had success with OSU linebackers, most recently Na'il Diggs ... One gets the feeling Hawk would fit in just fine with the Wisconsinites and their beer.
6. San Francisco 49ers - Michael Huff, CB, Texas
Hardly anyone threw his direction in college, so his pass defending abilities are judged on limited evidence ... average tackling ability and instincts, but a versatile competitor who can play both safety spots ... will see a lot of action on the field along with rest of defense while Alex White examines cloud patterns from his backside in stadiums across the country ... Haha, the 49ers suck.
7. Oakland Raiders - Vince Young, QB, Texas
Built well at 6-4, 228 and yet the fastest quarterback in the draft class by far ... two-time Rose Bowl MVP who has succeeded on a high level with amazing individual effort ... dad in prison, which screams volumes about his potential character ... scouts worry about his ability to manage a complex offense, because the dude is an idiot ... Oakland owner Al Davis, who lost his mind in 1996 and has remained clinically insane ever since, is said to be enamored with Young, probably because neither one of them can read.
8. Buffalo Bills - Haloti Ngata, DT, Oregon
Big bad Samoan dude looks fierce in his headshot ... early entry who has vast ability to chase down ball-carriers from sideline to sideline ... scouts worry about his consistency and ability to get into shape ... suffers from mental lapses and loses focus despite immense physical talent ... is named "Haloti," which sounds like a Native American princess ... incredibly strong, just like every other college-level defensive lineman.
9. Detroit Lions - Pass.
Matt Millen, stuck in the can with diarrhea thanks to some bad pre-draft nachos, will be unavailable to select in the alotted time.
10. Arizona Cardinals - Jay Cutler, QB, Vanderbilt
Played for one of the shittiest teams in America and still managed to get four wins out of his senior season ... great athlete with a strong arm, though technique needs work ... lacks dreaminess of Matt Leinart ... a combine talent who had little fanfare until post-season workouts ... intelligent and capable of taking over games ... will have good wideouts to work with in Arizona, and club may choose to select tight end Vernon Davis to continue establishing an unstoppable passing game ... Arizona will suck until the end of time no matter what.
