Freddy's Fantasy Flotsam

Freddy Baird
Fantasy Expert

Hi, guys! I'm back and ready to rap at ya with another edition of Freddy's Fantasy Flotsam. This one is special, because we all know that spring training is heating up and that means baseball season is just around the corner! It's my favorite time of year, and while it's hard to choose my favorite fantasy sport, baseball could be my favorite.

So with that, let's get on to your questions in this all-baseball, all-the-time, fantasy advice issue!

Hey Freddy, love the column. I'm in an eight-team keeper league, and we need to choose four keepers for this year. I had three strong keepers, but I ended needed another, so I traded away Johan Santana for Carl Crawford and Todd Jones. I think saves are real important. Your thoughts on the trade?
- Francisco, Key West, Fla.

Oh my shit. You made that trade, for real? Not only did you allow Todd Jones to land on your team, you gave up the best pitcher in baseball to get him! That's like high-fiving your rapist. Christ. My advice is to leave your league and go read a book, because you obviously are stupid. Also, what goon allows himself to be in an eight-team league? Unreal. You sicken me.

Freddy boy! Long time reader, first time writer. We conducted our draft last week and I think I'm pretty set. I have the No. 1 waiver priority in the league right now, since I had the last pick, and someone just dropped Carlos Marmol. Do you think he's worth using that high of a slot on? Lemme know, bro.
- Danny, Lansing, Mich.

Good question. Waiver priority is harder to crack then Lindsay Lohan ON crack. Marmol is a good reliever, but you never know who can get dropped later. That said, you may want to go for it because you never know what could happen. Last year, in one of my 17 roto leagues, someone dropped BJ Upton midseason. I was ready to spring on that, but then my computer starting acting gay. Seriously, I was trying to make waiver acquisitions, and it was trying to have sex with other Compaq Presarios. Someone else ended up getting Upton.

If you had the top choice in a standard 5 x 5 league, who are you going with?
- Tim, Tacoma, Wash.

Tim, you slut, I'm going with Miguel Cabrera. D'ur.

Who are the sleepers you're targeting in drafts this year? You know, the guys who might fly a bit under the radar, but you think might deliver 100 RBIs or 30 homers. That's the key to any draft.
- Roger B., Springfield, Ohio

You're right, Rog. Without those sleepers providing draft value, you're not going to have a shot. The thing is, you don't want to miss on them. So this year, my surprise picks for big numbers are Ryan Braun, Brandon Phillips, Curtis Granderson, Robinson Cano and Nick Markakis. For pitchers, check out a young southpaw named Scott Kazmir. I know those fellas are young, but don't be afraid to draft them. They've got a pretty good shot to have decent-to-good years. And when they deliver for you, remember who told you first.

That's all of the time we have today. In the meantime -- add, drop and roll!

Freddy's Fantasy Flotsam

Freddy Baird
Fantasy Expert

Folks, I am back. Yes, it was a scary time for me after the Brian Westbrook debacle in December. But after some long counseling sessions, I believe that I have returned as a better man with more balanced priorities in life. I still enjoy fantasy sports, but hopefully I will not allow it to consume me as it has in the past. Flotsam has graciously allowed me to return to spread my fantasy seed among the masses, and I truly hope you will enjoy reading my column as I yet again try to get my life back in order.

On to your questions!

Hey Freddy! Can you believe how that Super Bowl ended? I never thought the Patriots would lose. Do you think this will impact Tom Brady's status as the top fantasy quarterback heading into next season?
- Ted Lehman, Munster, Ind.

Are you stupid? Tom Brady threw for 4,806 yards and 50 touchdowns this season. Who else would you choose as the top quarterback? Someone stupid like you probably would pick Alex Smith. God damn, you're a moron. What a stupid question. By the way, I predicted the Giants would beat the Patriots. I won $300 on a bet than Eli Manning would be the Super Bowl MVP, which I promptly turned around and donated to Ron Paul's campaign. You'd be wise to do the same, if you value your FREEDOM.

Yo, Freddy. i was wunderin what you thought of the shaq trade to phoenix. whats it going to do for marion and o'neels value? i have both on my fantasy team.
- mark d., tacoma, washington

Well, I sure hope your league doesn't count free throw percentage if you own Shaq. In fact, I hope your only league categories are field-goal percentage, rebounds and fat centers who star in terrible commercials. You'd be in first place in that league.

Clearly, this move is a hit to both players' value. Marion can't create his own shot and with a slower offense, there won't be as many rebounds for him to grab. I think you might see more points from him, but his other stats will probably drop, especially his percentages.

Shaq is probably going to die from exhaustion after his first few fast breaks, so I'd probably trade him while he's still breathin. If you're good, you'll package him along with someone like Royal Ivey and get yourself Deron Williams. That's what I would do.

Do you think the trade to New York will help Johan Santana this season? Shea is a good pitcher's park, and a new league will probably have trouble adjusting to him. Just my thoughts.
- Rick Manheim, Arlington, Texas

Did I ask for your thoughts? Who's giving the answers here? Christ, yes, it will help Santana to move to the Mets. Duh. But, then again, I've always known about Santana's value. Back in 1999, after the Marlins took him in the Rule 5 draft, I picked him in the third rounder of my main keeper league draft. While it didn't pay any dividends for nearly three years, it was the right move. Plus, my team was so flipping awesome that year that I didn't even need his services.

So, yes, expect Santana to completely dominate. I expect him to win 12-24 games, and put up an ERA between 1.40 and 3.95. He'll also strike out some batters. You can take that prediction to the bank.

That's all the time we have today, folks! I'll be back soon with relevant answers to your pertinent questions! Best wishes and have a blessed day!

Freddy's Fantasy Flotsam

Freddy Baird
Fantasy Expert

Dear world,

For the last seven years of my life, my calling card has been the fantasy sports world. I have lived, breathed, drank, inhaled, been vaccinated with and applied fantasy sports to my life. It has provided an outlet for me, and a place where I can go to build community with friends, strategize and most of all, kick some ass.

It's provided me with plenty of memorable moments. The Stacey Mack Experience in 2001; owning Randy Moss in a keeper league from 1998 to 2003; confidently predicting the breakout of Tony Gonzalez in 2000; last year's fourth-round draft choice of Maurice Jones-Drew that was mocked by my league. I sure showed them, didn't I?

The 2007 regular season was a good one for me. As I've stated, I owned Braylon Edwards in 22 of my 24 leagues, and I stayed far away from Steven Jackson in my drafts. I made the moves I needed to make in order to acquire Jason Witten. I reached a round early on Wes Welker because I knew his potential. Because of these moves, I made the playoffs in every single league I am in.

And last week, I lost every semifinal game I played in. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. The weather held down Tom Brady. Braylon Edwards struggled. Wes Welker struggled. Brian Westbrook's kneel-down at the one-year line cost me seven agonizingly close wins. Seven.

I have been shut out of the championship game in every league I play in. All of my calls were wrong and my usual dead-on predictions did not come to fruition.

Because of these failures, I plan to end my own life.

Scoff if you will, but fantasy sports is my livelihood and my identity. If something so sure, so consistent and so steady in my life disappears -- what can I count on?

Nothing, is the answer. I can't count on anything. Without fantasy sports in my life, and without the confidence that I am the most expert of all fantasy experts, I truly have no reason to go on. I haven't had sex in 42 months, I can't control my waistline, my friends don't return my calls and I really, really thought that Kevin Jones would perform better in Week 15.

After sending this column in, I will drive my car to the Terrence Bridge, take an entire bottle of aspirin, puncture my femoral artery with a steak knife, place a plastic bag over my head, and leap from the bridge into the ice-covered waters that will await me, 50 feet below. And my struggle will end.

Tell Brandon Jacobs that I'm sorry.

Freddy Fantasy Flotsam

Freddy Baird
Fantasy Expert

Hey guys, I'll be brief with the introductions this week. I've been cuh-raaaazy busy lately, dealing with a new girlfriend who's smoking hot. She's also flipping crazy. She's crazier than Lindsay Lohan on a crack binge, I tell you. She doesn't even let me use the Internet during weekdays, so I have to crank this column out fast before she finds out I was online. On to your questions!

Man, hasn't this football season been crazy? So many unpredictable injuries and bad fortune for a lot of players. Can you remember a season as wild as this one?
- Evan Switzer, Toledo, Ohio

I've heard a lot of people saying that this season has been unpredictable. To some, maybe. But not to me. Only simpletons get surprised. Remember that. Put it on a bumper sticker.

I made a lot of predictions this preseason, and they've pretty much all come true. Steven Jackson's poor season? I had him ranked 38th among all running backs because I knew he'd miss several weeks. Rudi Johnson? I didn't draft him in even one league. Meanwhile, Brian Westbrook was my No. 1 target in all my PPR leagues (yes, ahead of Tomlinson), and I kept telling people that Adrian Peterson would be the best running back in standard scoring leagues, despite his rookie status. You can also check the archives if you want to know what I thought about Derek Anderson. I had him listed right behind Tony Romo in my QB rankings. That's some prescient shit.

Who's a better bet going forward, Terrell Owens or Braylon Edwards?
- Lance Rogers, Ontario, Canada

Are you fucking serious, asking me that question? How about you go shove a flagpole up your ass and then fuck yourself in the ear with Liberace's gay, dead dick?

Fine. Edwards.

If you had the No. 1 choice in a hoops draft, who would you be taking at this point in the season? I like Garnett a lot, but Shawn Marion is underrated. Thoughts?
- Tanner Lee, Austin, Texas

Good question. At this point, I'd be narrowing my list for the No. 1 overall pick to Garnett, Marion, LeBron, Kobe, Dirk, maybe Steven Nash and also Gilbert Arenas. Yao Ming has also looked great so far, and I've been impressed with Chris Paul's all-around game. Watch out for Pau Gasol, too. Any of those guys are worth considering. Check back at the end of the season and see if I was right. I bet I will be.

Which player has the best fantasy playoffs schedule? So often, it's those little-known guys who make the difference in the final weeks of the season.
- Ted Moore, Boston, Massachusetts

Well, it's not too hard. You want to look for running backs who play against bad run defenses, and quarterbacks who go against bad pass defenses. There are several of those players available. Try to find or acquire them and you'll be set. I do it all the time.

That's all we have time for today, sex kittens. Until next time, make sure Reggie Wayne isn't available on any waiver wires! He's a good one!

Freddy's Fantasy Flotsam

Freddy Baird
Fantasy Expert

Hell yes. What a weekend in fantasy sports. Adrian "All Day" Peterson went off against the Bears; Maurice Jones-Drew rose from the dead; Tom Brady continued his march toward Canton, and surely Bridget Moynahan noticed that. She must be angrier than Lindsay Lohan after finding out all of her crack is gone. Either way, the Miami Dolphins continue to look uglier than Spencer Pratt's goatee, except for Ronnie Brown, who is steadier than Lindsay Lohan's hands when she's not on crack.

With that said, on to the e-mails!

I'm torn on a trade offer I received. Another owner has offered me Rudi Johnson and Steve Smith for Tomlinson. I'm thin at wide receiver and could use the help there. What do you think?
- Dave, Littleton, Colo.

Are you serious? You're thinking about taking that offer? What I would do is drive to that other owner's house and spray him with Britney Spears' urine. Right in his stupid trade-mongering face. If someone offered me a deal like that, I'd never speak to him again, and I might even kill his dog.

Do you have an advice on waiver pickups for Week 7? I'm in trouble because I have several guys who will all be on bye in the same week.
Rick, Albany, New York.

Look, this is your own damn fault. The number six rule of fantasy drafting is to pay attention to bye weeks. If you told someone that you came away from draft day with Carson Palmer, Adrian Peterson, Brian Westbrook and Chad Johnson, they'd probably be impressed. I wouldn't. I'd immediately know that all four of those guys had byes in Week 5. And you probably lost that week, didn't you? I'm not going to answer this question, and I hope your league-mates talked some serious smack about this issue on the league message board.

Is Dwayne Bowe for real? He's made some great grabs and looks like he's going to have an impact from here on out.
- Larry, Mesa, Ariz.

Elementary. Of course he's for real. I told one of my friends in the preseason that Dwayne Bowe would have a better year than Calvin Johnson. He looked at me like I was crazier than Lindsay Lohan on a crack binge. But who's crazy now? Not me. I own Bowe in 22 of my 26 leagues, and he's been like manna from H-E-A-V-E-N.

Any advice on buy-low targets for the rest of the year? I'm sitting at 3-3 right now, so this would be a good time to make a move for me. I'm thinking about making an offer for Torry Holt because he's struggled lately.
- Melissa, San Diego, Calif.

Whoa whoa whoa. A chick who plays fantasy football? Who lives in San Diego? Be still my Brandon Marshall-loving heart. If you ever need a league to get into, you just drop me a line. I would love to show you the ways. And I'm sure you'd love to have me show you, with my hands that have compiled 11 industry league titles since 1998. Mmmm. Also, buy low on Vince Young.