Labels: Brenda McDonald
By Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
There's like, so many better ways to make a person sorry. Running over them with your car is so 1980s, back in like, the stone age when that pony-tailed man Steven Seagal was popular.
First of all, let me just say that I am deeply saddened that this woman was allowed to roam the streets without some kind of makeover. Like, you know those really old commercials that are like, "friends don't let friends drive drunk." Well, there's also like, "friends don't let friends look like dead witches and talk about the Yankees a lot." Like, that's so unflattering on a woman. And it hurts me that her friends didn't just stand up and say, "oh my God, Ivonne, you are hideous and bad in conversation. Let's go to the spa and do something about it!"
Ew. If I knew how to delete pictures, I so totally would, because that is like a scar to humanity. That hair! Totally unkempt. Hello, Herbal Essences! I wonder if the state of New Hampshire has an Adopt-an-Ugly-Inmate program ... I can totally be of service here. It makes me kind of want to do something good and righteous. If it wasn't prom week, I would SO look into it.
Stop staring at me, bitch!
Secondly, if you really want someone to know like, how much you love your team, there are way better ways to deal with it. You can totally talk about them behind their back, get access to their facebook page and change their interests to "whoring casually," throw eggs at their cars, or pretend that you like them, when really you don't and you just want to stomp on their heart. Oh my god, I just had an epiphany -- can we go back to the facebook thing for a minute? If you can totally steal their password, you can also make their interests say "cheering for the Yankees!" or whatever team they really hate.
Driving over people has like, so many drawbacks. Paint could get smudged, it could like, affect the transition or whatever that's called, or it could cause a flat tire. Hello, I am SO not interested in changing a flat tire. In this dress? My car is way too new and shiny for homicide.
Anyway, I forgot the moral of the story, but school is almost over! Omg, I'm going to have so much fun this summer! Like, I should probably start applying to colleges and stuff.
Labels: Brenda McDonaldBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
So, like back in November, I picked my pre-season All-Americans, which was really hard because there are a lot of hot guys who play Division 1 basketball, and none of them had played a game of basketball yet. Now that we're in championship week, when everyone goes like super-crazy for these tournaments that don't even matter if you're in a major conference, it's time for my postseason picks.
Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. So I already said that he was like, super hot without that awful mask from last year, and he spread his hotness all over the ACC all year. Have you totally seen that picture of him side-by-side with Beaker? Like, Muppets are totally endearing. If I ever had a fantasy about getting with a Muppet, it would be Tyler Hansbrough. Oh my god, shut up, don't look at me like that. You've totally had that fantasy, too.
Kevin Love, UCLA. Dreamboat! Like, if I had known that he was going to be so muscular and hot, I would never have put Darren Collison as the UCLA representative on my preseason list. He's suuuuuch a stallion, and he's like 32 years old, which makes him even hotter. Plus, he has that total porn name, which adds to his mystery, and probably guarantees addition to something else. And you know how I feel about running along the beaches in Southern Cal. Like, I love me some Love.
Michael Beasley, Kansas State. Tattoos are yummy when affixed to the right arms, and nobody has hunky guns like Mike B. When he's rich and famous after going as the top pick in the NBA Draft, I really hope I can find a way to get invited to parties at his mansion. Last year's parties were so lame after Greg Oden got all hurt and stuff. Injured basketball stars are gross.
Luke Harangody, Notre Dame. I really usually take a pass on players who are a little fatty, but Luke is like strong, and Notre Dame was really good because of him. And hello, I totally have a strong Catholic background, and he's from the most Catholicest place on Earth, and his name is Luke. He's like a prophet. That's so hot.
D.J. Augustin, Texas. At some point, I like totally need to have a guard, because they're so much easier to make out with in public. It's so not cool to see a 6-foot-13 guy hunched over while you try to make everyone else in the room jealous. But DJ is smaller, and quick and definitely dreamy. I could be his Southern cowgirl.
Labels: Brenda McDonaldBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
I know what death is like, and it totally sucks.
Like, 5 summers ago, my family had a guineau pig named Einstein. We called it that because it's hair was really all over the place. It totally smelled and grossed me out, but I still cried a little bit when it died. It got run over by the lawnmower. Fur was like, everywhere.
So when someone like, really famous dies, it's super tragic. I was so sad when Heath Ledger died, for example, but I'm even sadder that Brett Favre is dead.
Brett is totally like this southern gentleman who is like, always smiling and laughing and probably smells really nice. Have you ever read "A Time To Kill" by John Grisham? I so haven't, but I saw the movie with dreamy Matthew McConaughey, and it was really good. That's what Mississippi is like -- lots of like, violence and alligators. And so Brett Favre sort of rose above all that to make a career in the NFL.
Seriously, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel needs to get with it ... they totally have a typo on his "in memorium" logo thing at the top. They said he's only been alive since 1992. Hello, he's not 15 years old. He's like, sixty.
Anyway, everybody is talking about Favre now, and sharing memories and totally loving him from beyond the grave, and that's really sweet. When my grandma died when I was little, we would go to her cemetery and sort of, like, talk to her. Grandmas are so great, and so is Brett Favre. I told her that I wanted to be a superstar cheerleader when I grew up, and that I just got the cutest pink dress for the Little Miss Oklahoma pageant. I was like, maybe someday I'll get to be a cheerleader in an NFL game. Maybe I could even be with a football player like Brett Favre. Never, like, give up on your dreams.
I don't think I'll go to Brett Favre's grave or anything, but I'm totally going to watch all the highlight packages and teary farewell speeches on SportsCenter tonight. Oh my god! He's so lovable. Like Teddy Ruxpin, except Southern and football-ish.
Marv Blackstone: I just am not going to allow myself to choose Eli Manning as a Super Bowl-winning quarterback. Look at him. I plan to sit back and watch Eli line up behind right guard Chris Snee no fewer than six times, fumble at least two snaps, throw at least two picks and get a wedgie from Osi Umenyiora on the sideline. And I will laugh and coat my chest hair with Gold Bond and picante salsa. Patriots 34, Giants 10 
Curtis Woodsworth: I am really hoping that the Giants don't wear those awful red jerseys during the game. They just end up looking like cherry tomatoes, and what football player wants to look like sweet little balls that you pop into your mouth? Plus, those jerseys color-clash with Tom Coughlin's face. Get you some moisturizer, boy! Patriots 30, Giants 0
Vern Beedle: You're asking me for my prediction, man? My prediction is that a government plot to expose the link between Barack Obama and Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride will come to light. You're going to learn all about how Obama is in cahoots with Dennis Rodman and Tori Spelling to inflate oil prices to more than $40,000 a barrel. And it's all coming out after a post pattern to Amani Toomer. That's my prediction, man. Also, Giants 24, Patriots 23
Dr. Charles P. Ipswisch Ah, the American football Super Bowl! It's one of my favorite sporting traditions, ranking right up there with the Egyptian Croquet Federation Championships and the ICC Cricket World Cup. I will eagerly be watching to see if Tom Brady's superior diction and reasoning ability, along with his muscular right arm, will be able to carry his Patriotic men to a victory over the Giants from New Jersey. Deductively, I think that they will be able to triumph, asserting their dominance, much like the late-1970s West Indies cricket squad. Oh, what a chess match this one shall be! Patriots 108, Giants 2
Harvey McGuffin: I remember when you had to earn perfection. The 1972 Dolphins created their empire on grit, determination and heart. There were no pretty faces getting hounded by TMZ, no cornrows and certainly no white wide receivers. They were football players, damn it. Hell, I remember when the key to getting to the Super Bowl was a black head coach and black receivers, all of them gritty. These teams are as bland as cornflakes served in malt-o-meal. If Brian Billick had just saved his timeout, what storylines would we have to pursue? We haven't had a legend play in a Super Bowl since Otis Anderson. God damn it I'm angry and it's almost bedtime. Giants 24, Patriots 21.
Bandwagon Burt:THE PATRIOTS ARE GOING TO BE UNDEFEATED. Dude, did you see that Hitler video online where he's all mad about Dallas losing? THAT WAS HILARIOUS, and then he's like "Well at least I can watch the Patriots go undefeated, at least that's something." EVEN HITLER KNOWS that a dynasty is brewing. I have loved the Patriots since I was a little boy, but this is the crown jewel of my sporting world. Super Bowls are nothing if you don't go undefeated! The Giants won't possibly stand in their way, but I like little Eli and love how they've built all this momentum in road games. That defensive line is incredible, and they played New England SO TOUGH at the end of the season. After that last sentence, I think the Giants have a real chance!!! Prediction: Patriots 68, Giants 67 (9 OT).
Dakota Brezinksi: I don't want to go to bed before the end of the Super Bowl! You promised, daddy, that I could watch. I never get to watch! It's not fair. Every year I only get to see the first half, and I miss all the really good stuff after you make me go to bed. I'm sorry I called Caitlin a bad name when she said, "Who cares if they go undefeated, it's just a game." I'm sorry that I kicked her in the knee and threw her dolly into the pond. I was trying to look like Tom Brady! Tom Brady is my hero! I want to see him win the Super Bowl! THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR! I hate you. I hate you and mommy. Patriots 35, Giants 14.Brenda McDonald: So my older brother is throwing this, like, Super Bowl party, and I'm totally debating whether to go or hang out at Kimmy Dykstra's house. Like, there's going to be beer and stuff, but last time I hung out with my brother's friends, I totally got hit on by his smelly college roommate. I made out with him, of course, but it was kind of awkward and ... I don't know, like, smelly. I don't understand why people love the Super Bowl so much ... I mean, they have one every year. Plus everyone thinks Tom Brady is so hot, but oh my god, have you SEEN Wes Welker's eyes? Patriots 10, Giants 3.Labels: Bandwagon Burt, Brenda McDonald, Curtis Woodsworth, Dakota Brezinski, Harvey McGuffin, Marv Blackstone, Professor Ipswich, Vern Beedle
Labels: Brenda McDonaldBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
I really hate Tuesdays. Cheerleading practice is always so stupid on Tuesdays, because we have like, team bonding exercises. Last week, we had to do trustfalls, and then our coach got all mad because none of us caught Cindy Rappaport. Honestly, after she forgot to wear the matching outfit to last week’s game, I don’t know how anyone can expect us to catch her.
But yesterday was by far the worst Tuesday. Erica and Mandy were both sick, and I totally had NOBODY to sit with at lunch. And there was lots of other terrible stuff. It was Black Tuesday for several obvious reasons.
First of all, Heath Ledger is dead! I remember the time I heard Anna Nicole Smith died and I totally cried! Who is going to take care of that baby? And Heath Ledger was a way more powerful moment for me than that. He was soooooo hot. Oh my God, did you SEE him in Ten Things I Hate About You? Someone once told me that was, like, a Shakespeare story or something, so he was obviously like, scholarly. And British! Seriously, I didn’t know British people could overdose.
This was not nearly as bad as seeing Tom Brady in a walking boot. Like, everyone is making fun of the fact that TMZ got those pictures, but hello! It’s kind of a big deal! If Tom Brady did not play in the Super Bowl, there is like, no way I would watch. Ugh, gross. Brady is super, super hot, possibly the hottest player ever to play a professional sport, and Matt Cassel looks like a space alien by comparison.
Then, Kentucky beat Tennessee in basketball. Alright, Bruce Pearl is totally sweaty and gross all the time and hello! Orange hasn’t been in since like, the Renaissance. But I have to admit, there’s something about him that kind of excites me. He’s arrogant – kind of like Charlie Padgett on the football team – but it’s one of those “I’m arrogant and can back it up” things. And also, he just got divorced, which means he’s probably playing the field. That’s kind of tantalizing. I’m so going to Tennessee next fall, if I get accepted.
Also, someone said the stock market went way down. Seriously, that has like no bearing on my life. Who the hell is Dow Jones?
Labels: Agatha Moonfry, Bandwagon Burt, Brenda McDonald, Harvey McGuffinBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
I have been Homecoming Queen each of the last three years.
I even won two years ago, when sophomores weren't eligible to win, but I still ran unopposed. I became an obvious choice so early, and nobody dared vote against me. Why would they? Like, everybody has a role in society, and mine is pretty obvious. I'm like the social chair of civilization. That Homecoming throne is where I belong. It's like, my destiny.
It kind of got old this year, walking down the track around the football field in the pouring rain the night before...ugh! Obviously, I made Bobby Sanderson loan me his coat and hold an umbrella for me, but still.
Anyway, the point of the story is that when you just, like, KNOW who's the best, why bother with a bunch of extras? If other people had been on the Homecoming Queen ballot, it like, would have been a real waste of paper to have an election and stuff, and I am so about saving the whales.
People are like, "There needs to be 16 teams to decide the national championship" and stuff like that. But that's ridiculous. At the end of the year, it's pretty clear who the best team is, and on top of it, they get a team to escort them around the track and loan them an umbrella and stuff. Enjoy your crowns, Ohio State! Don't forget to smile for pictures, and make SURE you go tanning.By Harvey McGuffin
I remember when ...
I remember when the national champion was decided by far more accurate means than the damn BCS: people sitting around in a room with pencils and paper.
All this nonsense about computers telling me who the best two teams are makes my head spin. I can't even program a VCR, how am I supposed to know who my national champion is? Somewhere along the way, we forgot the values that make America great: opinions and subjective rankings systems.
Do you think if computers had been allowed to judge Torvill and Dean in their famous Olympic Ice Dance, that they would have gotten a perfect score? I'm sure the computer would have perceived some in-depth analytical flaw in Torvill's toe lift, knocking them down a fraction. Then, what would ice dance enthusiasts have to hold on to in the history of their sport?
What if computers had been allowed to weigh in on whether or not Franco Harris' Immaculate Reception was legal. You want science to interfere with faith? Nobody ever introduced the idea of computers choosing a field of 64 basketball teams. What the hell would Billy Packer and Dick Vitale complain about? I would lose my 20 favorite minutes in television each year if those two were just happy, having a picnic and sharing pictures of grandkids on selection Sunday, instead of bitching about the selection committee.
The national champion is clearly Georgia.
By Agatha Moonfry
Staff Writer
My absolute favorite thing in the world is survival of the fittest.
I bet Charles Darwin was handsome and entirely delicious. How else would he have arrived at such a charming concept? If, for example, you put a series of small rodents into an enclosed room with just a little bit of food, you find out about 10 days later which animal is strongest, occasionally peeking in through the small window on the back of the wooden shed to get updates. It's scientific, and it's edifying.
If you truly are the fittest, then your reward is endless gratification. Any man or woman can prove their superiority in a one-on-one challenge, no matter the stakes. But the real king of the jungle is the one who has conquered many assailants.
By turning its back on Charles Darwin, the BCS deserves scorn. And also, a mailing of those crazy comic-book leaflets handed out by the right-wing church.By Bandwagon Burt
Wind Sock
GEAUX GEAUX GEAUX TIGERS! Haha, it's French! IT'S A FRENCH REVOLUTION.
Like, this big list that George Mitchell is coming out with is going to be really sad. Lots of dreamy baseball players are going to be named as steroids users. Oh my god, have you seen The Crucible? It’s really scary, about like, witches in Salem, Oregon. We watched it in Social Studies class. The Puritans were such freaks – they didn’t even believe in make-up. Well, this is a lot like that, where a lot of players are going to be accused of being kinda witches and stuff. Except with bigger muscles. I’ve totally heard through the grapevine that Morgan Ensberg is going to be on the list. Seriously, if your name is Morgan and you’re a dude, I can see why you’d want to take drugs. There’s actually a guy in my gym class named Tracy. That’s so wretched. So anyway, Morgan is totally going to make the cut. I’m also hearing a lot about Sammy Sosa. I don’t know a whole lot about him, except that he’s foreign and sometimes forgets how to speak English. There is a girl named Bonita Ramirez in my Spanish class from Mexico, and she can totally speak Spanish better than anyone else in the class. It’s so not fair! That would be like me taking a cheerleading class – you can’t learn what you’re already good at. She tried out for cheerleading, but was definitely not invited to the squad. People who speak Spanish are like, not trustworthy. I’d be so afraid that she could say mean things to me in Spanish and I would like not even know what she was saying! So Sammy Sosa probably has a secret. Tommy Williams, who is kind of hot in a “get back to me in five years” sort of way, and also really likes baseball, was saying that Mark McGwire would so be on the list. That sucks because I think Mark is soooooo hot. He’s like the older man that you just want to sweep you up in his arms and take you on an airplane to like, Bermuda or something, while his wife thinks he’s on a business trip. If he was on the list, I would be so disappointed! But then, I would move on. Anticipation is the worst part. I love looking at prospective cheerleaders in the hallway before lunch, chatting and wondering if they would make the cut or not. Oh my god it’s so great KNOWING when other people don’t! George Mitchell is probably DYING with excitement right now. Soon enough, the world will come crashing down for a lot of people. It’s so exciting. Labels: Brenda McDonaldBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
As head of the cheerleading squad for the last year, I know that lists can be, like, no fun. I mean, when you don’t see your name on the final cheerleading roster, it’s probably like the end of the world. Oh my god, I would cry for weeks if I wasn’t on that list! I’m so lucky. Not everybody has cheerleading.
Labels: Brenda McDonaldBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
So, like, everyone is handing out these All-American things even though nobody has played a game of basketball yet, and that’s really ridiculous. I mean, I get that it’s really easy to say who is All-American material and wears AE and Abercrombie and stuff, but it kind of seems like people are basing everything off what happened last year. A lot can happen in a year. Mark Wallace was totally hot last year and everyone wanted him, but then he dyed his hair black and started getting into, like, Rage Against the Machine and stuff. So he is so off my radar.
Like anyone who knows about the world, I want to chime in with my own All-American list.
Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. He’s, like, quirky-hot like Shia LaBoeuf (who totally just got arrested in a Walgreens? Lame. Like I said, things change quickly) and I totally think that blue outfit brings out his eyes. He was so completely grossing me out with that mask thing he wore last year, but if he’s au natural this year, he’s probably my favorite.
Drew Neitzel, Michigan State. I always make fun of Jenny Mientkielowski, because she totally has this thing for bald guys! Can you believe that? Seriously, bald people are disgusting, barf. But I have to admit, if a guy like shaves his head and hits three-pointers, it’s kind of hot. It’s a bad boy sort of thing, and I like that.
Darren Collison, UCLA. Um, is he related to that ugly Nick Collison from Kansas, because that guy was so not attractive, and he had that little elf Kirk Hinrich on the same team. Ugly. This Collison is much less pasty, and hello! California guys are the hottest! I can totally see myself running around the beaches with Darren.
Eric Gordon, Indiana. I still sort of feel bad about it, but last year Angie Winstrom broke up with Jason Violette cuz she totally saw him making out with another cheerleader. Yeah, it was me. Whoops. I mean, I don’t know what came over me, we just started this hot makeout session in the middle of lunch period. Anyway, I normally am so not into guys who are with one girl and end up with another, like Eric Gordon was with Illinois and now Indiana. But when I’m the other girl, then it’s cool. :-)
Roy Hibbert, Georgetown. Ew, too tall and dark and weird. I’m not sure if he’s right for this sort of thing, but there is something really mysterious about guys who wear black like Georgetown. I like mystery.
Labels: Brenda McDonaldBy Brenda McDonald
High School Socialite
Breakups are, like, hard.
Last year, Erika Radinski was dating Tommy Clark, who's such a meathead, because he totally asked her if they could have an open relationship. I totally had to explain to Erika that he meant still go out while sleeping with other girls, most likely that hussy Charlotte Wilkins on the cheerleading squad. Her legs are, like, never closed.
Some people are together forever because it's, like, destiny. But sometimes they're together forever and it sucks really bad, like when Mina Westcott was dating Jeremy Rogan for like two years! Ugh. He smelled like musky awful cologne all the time and he was NOT that hot, and he totally loved himself. What a loser. But she looooved him, probably because his parents have like this house in the mountains and they can go skiing and stuff. Anyway, they FINALLY broke up after he made out with some FRESHMAN! It was so not meant to last.
So like, Joe Torre and George Steinbrenner? Can you totally believe that it lasted that long? TWELVE YEARS. That's like, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman long. And I have SEEN relationships where one person starts to go crazy. Marshall Vickers got all weird like three months after he started dating Kelly Capris, and we totally found out like three months after he disappeared that he was snorting cocaine. Plus, my grandpa got all forgetful and started yelling at the walls and stuff, and grandma just stood by his side. That's love. So this thing in New York was, like, love I guess.
So George got all crazy, and Joe just sat by his side, kind of like my grandma with her knitting. It was so cute! But in the end, it's kind of like Erika and Tommy. I mean, George's offer to keep the relationship up was totally harsh. Joe did a lot for George, with all those rings that he got him and stuff. But George wanted to pay him less per year even though he makes the playoffs like every season? That's sadness :(
Joe will totally find someone else, though. That's how it always works. It's like a carousel of love -- everyone is always looking to hook up with someone, especially someone who's a catch. Hello? Like, Peter Angelos, are you listening? Like, whoever takes over in St. Louis? There is a possibility for a LOVE CONNECTION here. I'll bring the makeup.
